Tis neat having Erica in my life to share with! (I worry sometimes that I am taking too much, since the emotional intimacy tends to be one way; but she has others in her life that she trusts more and is closer to, to take care of her needs for emotional intimacy.) (Maybe our relationship is so good for me, because I can't cope with another being emotionally intimate with me?) (I know Samantha got less open with me, after reading "Outlaws and Poets"; so maybe Erica worries about things she tells me ending up in a book?)
(9pm) I should know within a couple of weeks on that job I have applied for with the city. (The tv news says the new person is supposed to start Oct. 1.) (If Carrie sent the package, like she said she was going to, I would be done with that addition by then.) (If that job falls through, I am going to have to lower my wage standards.)
If I combine ideas from "Love me" and "Intimate behaviour", what happened when I found out about my ex's infidelity was that I withdrew from what little emotional intimacy there had been in that relationship. (I couldn't withdraw from the physical intimacy without starting a major fight, as that was her primary criteria for determining if there was a problem.) (I replaced the emotional intimacy with substitutes of cigs and food. (I took most of the hostility out on me. (The hookers were a way of striking out at her, and I thought, a way out of the relationship by doing something she would divorce me over.))) (Interesting.)
I wonder if I will ever figure out how to be a man? (It would be nice to have a love life, if I can ever find the courage and learn how to be seductive.) (Oh well, keep studying and work out a therapy plan.) (In the mean time it isn’t too horrible to be considered an it by women. (I am pretty content and happy with whatever it is I am.))
(11pm) Quiet nite.
I didn't consciously think of the massage parlors as a way out of my marriage, at the time; and I told myself that I confessed about going to her, to be honest. (Looking back though, I think it was an excuse for getting a divorce. (Unconsciously I had known for a long time that I needed to get out, but it took a long time to get the message through to my conscious mind and move on.))
9-5-87
(8am) I have to stop putting myself down for what I can't cope with. (Maybe it's all things most high school guys could do in their sleep; but I can't, and it's my reality.) (Accepting and liking myself, as I am, is the first step.)
(11am) Still no money or package from Carrie. (Oh well.)
There is a good article on the state of the U.S. banking establishment, in the latest "Rolling Stone". (That plus all the other negative financial news, and the fact that there is a long line of people applying for every job that opens up, makes me wonder if unemployment isn't higher than the statistics show, and if we are actually in the middle of a depression. (Tis all reminiscent of what I have read on the '30's.))