In terms of that model, I think Wallace could be helpful to me. (Although sex itself isn't the problem, going there does expose me to the anxiety I feel in approaching sexual situations, which is the problem. (Each time I went to Wallace, I had to cope with a lot of anxiety in deciding to go; and faced greater and greater levels of anxiety throughout the drive over, walking to the brothels, ringing the doorbell, …!)-(Once I got into the sexual moments, the anxiety abated; but it did give me practice in coping with my anxiety associated with approaching a sexual situation, and each time I went the anxiety diminished a little.)-(Tis part of their model to face stressful events, experience the anxiety, and learn to cope with it; and going to Wallace did do that for me.)-(And, they say to begin with the least threatening experiences first, and gradually progress up a hierarchy of anxiety inducing experiences; and Wallace is the least threatening form of sexual encounter, for me.) (The problem is I can't afford it, and it needs to be something that is done regularly.) (I think going there was a constructive developmental stage for me, but I will have to find some other way to put myself into the situation, which I can afford.)-(Or, wait until I can afford Wallace regularly before beginning my therapy program.)
Thinking about all this has made me think about how others may have interpreted my actions in the past. (Turning down invitations a lot and often having to suddenly leave places I did go to, because of an anxiety attack; probably has been taken personally by people. (That is one reason for telling everyone about my phobias. (Without telling others, they are likely to take the behavior as an affront to them; when it's really a response to whatever trauma that happened years ago, and associated social and sexual situations with pain.))) (I have to try to force myself to accept more invitations and to ride out the panic attacks when I do go; but others need to understand the reasons so they aren't offended when I fail to cope with what is going on within me.)
This book seems to stress that the point isn’t learning how you first learned to act in a phobic manner to some situation or object; but to face the anxiety and collect new positive experiences so one learns to associate the situation or object with pleasant feelings instead of fear. (e.g., I have more to gain from pleasant experiences with people and sexuality than from sitting alone pondering on the traumas that linked social and sexual experience with pain in my mind. (Rather than wondering why someone or some situation makes me feel nervous, note that fact. Then, rather than worrying about why and trying to connect it with some rational explanation (Which is a waste of time when dealing with irrational fears.); focus on exposing myself to those people and situations, until I can cope with the resulting anxiety.))
Maybe one nite stands would serve a useful function in my therapy program? (The idea of that seems to create less anxiety within me than the thought of a regular girlfriend, so it could be fitted into the therapy as a step in the hierarchy of fears I need to expose myself to and learn to cope with.)
(11am) Still no money. (Suck it in and survive.) (I am just thankful I have got what I do have!)-(Things could be (have been) lots worse!)
I choked down the last of the spaghetti. (I am glad it's gone.) (Rice will be a very pleasant change. (It isn’t as nutritious, but at least it tastes better than my spaghetti.))
(4pm) Nice workout.
Today I was visiting with one fellow I run into regularly in the sauna. (He says he goes in the afternoons because his wife works then and she would get pissed at him if she knew he was going. (That is sad.))