I have to find some way to tell when my feelings are irrational fears being generated internally, and when there is some real reason to be afraid. (It isn’t useful to always ignore signals of fear, as sometimes they are realistic and good; but when they are irrational I have to ignore them and ride it out.) (So much to learn.)
Thinking more about Morris' book, I think two of the problems with my old pattern of staring at people were:
1. Tis a behavior that is read as hostile and/or chauvinistic when directed at strangers.
2. It didn't allow the normal exchange that occurs between strangers. (i.e., person A looks at B, then A looks away and B looks at A, but never at the same time, until they get to know each other well.) (There is much about communicating and interacting positively with my fellow human beings that I have to learn!)
I have been trying to work on shifting the focus of conversations during soak and sweat time, to the other people. (That has been a good place for me to try out new things, without much risk.)
One theory that explains some phobias (along with much else in psychology) is that it's a genetic trait to withdraw. (Which makes me ponder again on reincarnation, and whether the wide variety of genetic and bio-chemical combinations aren't what make the human animal a good learning vehicle. (If that is valid, then getting rid of that variation might make the human form no longer functional as a learning tool, necessitating the destruction of civilization.))
(8pm) Erica stopped by and visited with me a bit. (Nice!)
It sounds like she is having fun still. (Good for her!)
(9pm) Quotes:
Ronald Kleinkneckt, "The anxious
self"-"... fear is said to be a response to a clearly identifiable and
circumscribed stimulus. On the other hand, anxiety is seen as a similar response but the
stimulus to which the person is responding is unclear, ambiguous, and/or pervasive."
"... some facets of anxiety, particularly those relative to social situations may have a genetic background."
That book was a good overview of the topic of phobia; but still nothing specific on sexual aversion.
I went through the bibliography of "On sex" and found a couple of books on sexual desire disorder. (I will have to check the university library for them.) (Keep studying and see if that is what my problem still looks like, and devise a treatment plan for myself. (I think I need to try whatever it takes to become a sexual being again, and stop being so abnormal.)) (I am still unclear about how to apply the model in "Fighting fear" to sexual aversion. (Maybe more study will clear it up?)-(Maybe the answer, at first, is simply to deal with the social phobia and extinguish that anxiety; and then move up the scale to the sexual aspect? (That is my gut feeling, but that may well be self-deception again.)))
Maybe I should leave one nite stands out of my treatment plan, for now anyway? (That has potential for much pain.)
(10pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)