One of my big struggles, internally, the last few years, has been my writing. (Tis something that doesn't pay financially; and eats up a lot of time and energy, which, if applied to business, would make me money. (I am very weary of poverty; but when I have tried giving up writing, I become really unhappy.)) (The last year has helped me to get a better grip on that struggle. (I enjoy business enough to spend the time necessary to earn a paycheck; but its function is to allow me to survive and write.)-(When I write, I feel I am doing what I am here for.)) (I am glad I am back into trying to get published. (Compared to all the time, energy and money I have invested in writing, trying to get published is insignificant. (It may never happen, but it doesn't hurt too much to try!)))
(11am) Considering that I was more comfortable with Carrie than I am with Erica (e.g., she and I never touch.), I think I should look for women who remind me of Carrie.
I caught up with my pen pals. (Neat.)
(2pm) My sister called and visited. (It sounds like her life is going well now. (Good for her!)) (She says my dad and stepmother are going to buy a place in Vegas and live there at least part of the year.) (She is thinking about moving to Reno.) (Maybe I will see more of them, with them living closer. (I would like that.))
(4pm) Nice walk.
(10pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
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(6am) Did you ever look at the question of life before and after this life, from the angle of what the constraints and strengths of being human on earth provide, in the way of learning? (Why was it all designed this way? (If it was designed, this world and being human may all serve some function in the process of the growth of our souls. (e.g., we have to find food, water, and shelter in a hostile world; which requires work for most people. (I think we gain something through work.)-(Maybe we destroy civilization when too many people no longer work?))-(e.g., changes in our body chemistry over time pushes us to make changes and learn new things. (The same is true of our emotions, our physical limitations, our sexuality, the maturation process itself (each age seems to make new demands), death, …. (Each pushes us to change and experience new parts of being here)))) (There sure are a lot of puzzles that are innate in being human!)))
(7am) I heard a song on MTV yesterday that says, "Either way it's fine with me." (That is good sometimes, but it also has its problems. (e.g., with Carrie and Samantha, I discovered that it was best to let them choose what we would do; but that pisses Erica off.)) (Another segment of that song talked about asking sales people to choose, to get them involved more in the moment. (That can be fun. (e.g., in my visits with the woman who sold ice cream downtown last summer, sometimes I let her chose the flavor of ice cream I bought, and that always made our interaction last longer and more interesting.)))
I sure have lots of negative communication patterns. (I need to start looking at everything I say, before I say it, and think about what response it's meant to illicit; and change them so that I get more positive interactions. (It will make interacting less smooth and spontaneous at first, but in time I think that it will bring better patterns to my communication with others, and it will become natural and smooth.))