8-23-87
(8am) I found a good quote in the latest "Rolling Stone".
Keith Richards-"And so it went from, like, 'Well, what do I want to do?' to 'I will never know until I start.'" (I know I have to keep experimenting with new ways. (I have tried a lot already, but it's a never ending process.))
I think I need to accept who I am now, and design my plans to account for who I am. (e.g., I could feel guilty about not being able to cope now with going out alone on Friday nites and shooting pool in a crowded bar; but it doesn't do anything but make me feel bad about myself, and makes things worse.)-(I have to accept who I am now, and chose things I am comfortable doing alone, and do them.) (Although it fills in time, analyzing the why of the things I can't cope with now, is probably a waste of time and more hiding. (Do what I can do alone, and keep pushing myself to do more, a little at a time. (e.g., shooting pool alone in an empty bar, until I am comfortable with that. Then start doing it in bars that aren't quite so empty. Then start challenging tables and shooting with others. (And, maybe eventually, I will build back up to where I am comfortable doing it in crowded bars on Friday nites again.)))))
I think the reason Erica is a good bartender (Why I think any bartender is good.), is that she gets to know the people in the bar, introduces them to each other, and gets a dialogue going. (She changes a bar full of people alone, into a group of people interacting with each other.) (Neat.)
It has sure been a long time since I made anyone smile. (I feel guilty about that.)
One problem with not making first moves sexually is that my lovers seem to end up being women I don't particularly enjoy being with or find real desirable. (I have found some great friends despite not making first moves in that area; but it doesn't seem to work out too well in the sexual arena. (Tis a slow way to build friendships, and I need to change that too.)) (Keep trying to figure it all out.)
I usually seem to have some conscious reason for not going out (Most often it's my lack of money.); but, down deep it's a fear reaction that I don't understand and can't overcome! (I am able to keep myself busy, I am content, and I am mostly happy; but when I try to approach a play situation where others are involved, I freak out and run. (I wish I could overcome. (It would be nice to be able to play with others; and I think, if I could overcome the fear and relax, I would find even greater contentment and happiness than now.))) (I still feel though, that the way to start is by doing things alone and adapting to the environments and activities, before I try to add people to it.)
Here is a good one from the latest "Rolling Stone": "... cardinal rule of democracy: Never let anybody run the country if you wouldn't let him sit at your table in the high-school cafeteria."
I think all the projects I have going are a lot of why I haven't been bothered much by boredom lately. (And, it's part of why I am happier now and not lonely.) (Having work and structure seems to be an important part of life.)