8-22-87
(7am) Tis neat having Carrie and Erica to "talk" to! ("Love me" says loneliness comes from not having relationships that are emotionally intimate in one's life. (I think Carrie and Erica play a big part in why I am no longer plagued by intense feelings of loneliness!)) (I think having them in my life will help, when I am ready to look for a girlfriend. (Part of my problem in choosing girlfriends, in the past, had to do with being lonely and desperate!)-(This time, when I start going out into the community, I think I need to do lots of different things, meet a wide variety of people, and then begin choosing people I enjoy, to be with; rather than going out in desperation and becoming involved with whoever comes along first.))
So many things have gone on this summer I am not sure why I have lost the
desire to even look for lovers or to try to figure out why. (I seem to have gone the other
way and totally shut that off.) (The affair with Sharon left me feeling guilty and bad
about myself.)-(The letter exchange with my son brought out a lot of suppressed hostility
and bad feelings, and brought back to mind memories of the terror I experienced in my
marriage.)-(Working on "Feelings" for a month drug out some more of that shit,
and made me look at how I was really feeling during the bar days after the divorce. (At
the time I said I was looking for lovers, but looking at those poems, it's obvious I was
hiding and running from them.))-(Getting into watching Dr. Ruth and hearing all the stories about problems
with sexual relationships served to reinforce my rationalizations for avoiding that part
of life.) (I suppose each played a part, and there is probably stuff that contributed to
it that I am not even aware of.) (Right now the only form of sexuality I could cope with
is Wallace and I don't even have much of a craving for that.) (Maybe it's best, for now,
that I do avoid sexuality and focus on getting me in order? (I have got much to work
through before I will be someone who would be good for a woman, and a negative sexual
experience now would do far more harm than good!)) (In "Love me" they talk about
collecting good sexual experiences after a divorce, to offset the negative experiences
that were accumulated towards the end of the marriage. (The problem with Wallace is it
creates guilt, the sex isn't that great, and it isn’t a positive experience.) (I
haven't talked to many people who have tried one nite stands on a long term basis, who
have a lot of good to say about those.)) (So confusing!)
"Love me" also talks about setting priorities and goals, and about how one drifts and gets nowhere, usually, without them. (I think that starting to set goals is part of why I am not often visited by boredom, loneliness, or depression anymore. (e.g., building up my body, increasing my knowledge and skills in several fields, writing, improving my mental health, job hunting, ….))-(But, there aren't any social and sexual goals now, and I have assigned low priorities to those parts of life. (Maybe I am wrong and simply hiding again, but I think, for now, my priorities are ok. (I need to get me in order before I work on the social and sexual aspects.))-(Eventually I will need to change my priorities, so that social aspects become more important; but I still feel this is right for now.))