8-20-87
(7am) I am back to thinking that the best solution, for work anyway, is to tell everyone I have a girlfriend. (Tis a great defense mechanism, and maybe that way I will relax a little around single women.)
The book I am reading now says to look at the faults in oneself that led to a divorce, so that they don't carry over and mess up future relationships. So far I have come up with:
1. No trust.
2. No communication.
3. No emotional intimacy.
4. Probably too much sex.
5. Allowing her to be dependent.
6. Not being assertive.
7. Being immature.
8. Being desperate to find a lover.
This book says 50% of marriages experience infidelity. (I think that is low.)
They talk about a survey done in England. (The question was what makes for a good marriage. (The most important factor they came up with was communication. Number eleven was an affair by one of the partners. (If a couple can survive infidelity, and work through all the problems they have as individuals and as a couple, that the affair points to; I think it could be a good experience for a couple and make the relationship stronger, long-term.))
Dr. Ruth used a good phrase last nite:
"anticipatory anxiety". (I have a lot.)
I have to find some way to stop reacting this way to single women, at least at work. (If I am to make money I have to be able to manage people effectively and some of those people are likely to be single women.) (And, I can't be depressing people at work, if I am to do my job well.)
(9am) I hope I don't end up living on the streets again. (I could survive it, but it takes a toll.) (I was living on the streets the first couple months I worked for the County. (The new people I met then were guessing that my age was early to mid forties. (Now people tend to guess early thirties.)-(I am four years older, but look and feel ten years younger.)))
(11am) Before I will find friends, I will have to learn to be a friend instead of being a burden.
(2pm) Nice walk.
I suppose another way I depress a lot of people is cigs.
Quotes:
Dan Dolesh and Sherelyn Lehman, "Love me, Love me not"-"Sexual betrayal-betrayal by the one with whom you share your bed and your most intimate secrets-is one of the most devastating and destructive experiences a person can have."
"If you constantly look for signs of betrayal, even after it has been proven that no such betrayal has occurred, you might just fulfill your own prophecy."
(8pm) My fingers are sore from writing.