(11pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
I wonder why I fear sexuality so much? (Maybe it's just being immature?)
Maybe I will have to scrap the idea of waiting for a craving to go out? (Maybe I just have to face my fears and force it?)
Self-hate being a defense mechanism to avoid sex sort of makes sense. (I know I am intelligent, sensitive, fairly attractive, mostly nice, and an okay lover; and not someone who is really horrible. (My time alone has helped much in learning to like myself, and I mostly enjoy my own company now. (I still get down sometimes, but not as often or as far!))) (Maybe I am simply saying I hate myself, so there is another excuse for being celibate? (It shifts the focus from I can't deal with sex to I am doing it because they deserve better than I. (That way, I come out noble and self sacrificing, rather than impotent.)))
6-13-87
(7am) Looks like another beautiful day.
(9am) Maybe analyzing everything is just another defense mechanism for avoiding sex? (It squeezes the magic out of every moment, and keeps me celibate.)
(10am) Fear of sexuality also explains not making first moves. (Most women like a little romance, and I never even try.)
I suppose fear of sex also explains avoiding play time and being playful.
(2pm) Nice sun tanning session.
(3pm) Nice walk.
(7pm) Maybe the answer to the sexual fears is to let time heal me? (I hope so.)
(9pm) I thought of another excuse for not going out: What is the point when I may be moving to find a job? (I amaze myself sometimes. (Maybe I should start a business and sell excuses?)) (I used that one during my last unemployment as the reason for not getting involved with anyone beyond platonic.)
6-14-87
(Midnite) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
(9am) Quotes:
Edward Sapir-"... language is primarily a system
of phonetic symbols for the expression of communicable thought and feeling."
"Language is at one and the same time helping and retarding us in our exploration of experience!"
"... the strategic word is likely to be more powerful than the direct blow."
(11am) Well, I caught up with my pen pals. (Neat.)