(8pm) Just thinking about what I went through back in '82 to meet people in the bars depresses me. (There were so many hours I sat there alone, afraid to make the first moves; and it was only slowly that I was able to begin opening up to the people Erica introduced me to! (I spent a 1,000 hours sitting alone before I started spending time with other people.)) (Until I can figure out a way to be assertive and try, and speed up the process of meeting people; the thought of 1,000's more hours sitting alone in bars is too depressing to even consider. (Tis so much nicer to just sit at home alone!))
(11pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
6-12-87
(7am) I suppose that as long as I allow myself to be ruled by fear, and can't break through to living life more fully; I deserve to get what I get.
(11am) Well, I broke down and got my hair cut today.
(2pm) Miranda needed some help moving the waterbed she and Erica bought Charlotte for her birthday, so I helped her out. (She bought me lunch.) (I do enjoy her company.) (She says she is still planning to take me to dinner and get me drunk to repay me for all the things I have done to help her out, but is she is working three jobs and doesn’t have time right now. (It would be fun partying with her!))
(4pm) Nice workout. (One woman whose eyes fascinate me and whom I see now and then at the Club, showed up in the steam room today and I started a conversation with her. (She is nice.)) (Tis reassuring that I am starting conversations; instead of always waiting for others to make the first move.)
(6pm) Nice sun tanning session.
(7pm) I have noticed that I have begun to cry more easily at tv shows and movies. (?)
Charlotte invited me to her birthday party this evening, but I am spacing it off. (My conscious reason is that I am tired and it's a long walk, but I doubt that is it.) (I seem to have an excuse for everything. (It all boils down to running away from life, but who knows why.))
I always seem to end up enjoying myself with others, so why don't I crave going out? (So confusing.) (Is it all fear of sexuality? (The situations and relationships I can deal with are one’s where sex isn’t going to happen.)-(And the situations and relationships I avoid are the one's where sex might happen.)-(I guess I do go into situations where it could happen (e.g., bars), but it's either with a woman friend who I know isn't interested to protect me, or alone with so many defenses up, no one gets close.))
The more physically attractive I become, and the more my attitude improves; the harder it seems to be to go out.
(8pm) Maybe the self-hate is a defense mechanism for avoiding sexuality? (It sure turns women off fast!)
Maybe the point behind the last two dreams was that impotency is the reason for my hiding?