(5pm) Nice workout.
I wonder why I have never gotten into joining clubs and organizations?
(Probably another defense mechanism.) (I guess I did belong to the Eagles in Bozeman for
awhile. (That was an interesting place and gave me the opportunity to get drunk a couple
times with Richard Brautigan.))
When I think of taking classes to meet people, my first thought is that it's silly because I seldom need a teacher to learn something I can learn in a class. (Another excuse.)
(9pm) Erica stopped by, visited, and got me hi. (Nice!) (She is still having lots of fun! (Good for her!))
I don't think any particular behaviors like being quiet, or introverted, or not making first moves were the reasons I haven't found many lovers in the last five years. (I haven't been able to cope with sexuality, and I have kept everyone at a distance. (There are quiet men, introverted men, …, who find lovers.) (For a long time girl watching and being around women created a conflict by stirring desires I was incapable of dealing with. I couldn't see that I was the one pushing all the women away from me; and the result was that I was constantly sad and feeling sorry for myself because no one wanted me as a lover.) (Now I see that I couldn't deal with sexuality, and pushed everyone away; but being around women still generates desires that I can't deal with. (So I have isolated myself from situations where I come in contact with women, thus avoiding the conflict. (It would be nice to be around women and never think of sex. (Maybe then I could be social again?)))))
Erica thinks it's time I started going out again, but I still can't cope with it.
I am starting to apply for jobs out of Missoula. (I have to find a job soon.)
My dream of hiding in trashcans does point to something I am doing, but I was already aware of it. (Maybe the point is that it's something I have to do something about, not just be aware of?)
If one analyzes the dream about being in elevators using the symbology of elevators as a reference to sex; not being able to stand up in them ties into my impotence. (I already knew I was impotent also, but maybe the point is to do something about it? (I have even got a pretty clear idea of what steps I would need to take to get back to being sexual, but I can't break through whatever it is and do it!))
Erica is excited about her 10th high school reunion. (That is neat.) (I never went to my 10th and I doubt I will go to my 20th next year. (There were few people then who I let close, and I gave up what few friendships I did have 14 years ago for my ex.)-(I didn't go to the 10th because she threw a jealous fit and forbid me to go.))
(10pm) I still think about trying to quit cigs, but I don't have any real desire to do so now. (Part of my problem in going out is probably that I have given up a lot of my defense mechanisms already, and I am not able to cope with going out without them. (I don't think now is the time to give up any more defenses, and cigs are one of my big one’s.))