My urge to do spring cleaning ran out before the whole place was clean. (I am content with how it is, and there is no one around to please by making it cleaner; so ….)
Who knows exactly how or why I have mostly built relationships that are only platonic, but it's obviously all I could deal with. (I will have to come to terms with my own sexuality, before anything different comes along.)
I think the reason Erica got pissed at me last spring was that she had invited me to start going to Flippers as a cheap way for me to meet new people; but I remained dependent upon her for all my companionship, and continued to keep everyone else away. (And, I continued to wallow in self-pity, and was a drag to be around!) (I think giving up on the idea was the correct way to deal with it, since I couldn't be open to others. (Twas putting a strain on my friendship with her, and I don't want to lose her from my life!)) (I still think that, through spending time with her, I could meet a lot of new people; but, until I am open to meeting them, it's pointless. (For now, any time I spend with Erica should be just to spend time with a friend, not to meet others.))
Another thing I was sensing then was a lot of hostility from the others who I had met through her. (Maybe I quit in part, not to avoid Erica; but to avoid them, and the sensation of fear that overwhelmed me then?)
(4pm) Nice workout.
The more time that passes, the more I question all of my thoughts and feelings. (I suppose what is relevant isn't why I act like I do, but that I do act that way. (For whatever reasons, I am immature, impotent, incapable of intimacy and commitment, cut off from my feelings, incapable of social interaction, ….)) (Maybe if I stopped spending so much time trying to figure out the whys, and focused on choosing new ways to be and learning how to be different, I would reach my goals a lot sooner? (By focusing on the whys, I have now reached the point where I question all my thoughts, feelings, motives, …. (I doubt everything, and don't know what to think or feel.))) (Maybe that will go away in time, but right now I feel confused and vulnerable!)
People say I don't express my feelings, but I don't know what they are to express them.
I don't know how much my ex has to do with my problems now. (e.g., I didn't relate as well to women before my marriage, as I do now.)-(I am more confident, skilled, and comfortable with sex than before my marriage.) (The relationship did reinforce whatever it was that was there before and is a part of my fear of intimacy and commitment. (There are a lot of other factors though and I can’t blame everything on that relationship.))
(5pm) Maybe the answer is to ignore the conscious reasons for doing what I do, and try to find the gut feelings that lie behind them? (e.g., when I think of going downtown in the evening, all sorts of rationalizations come to mind for not going (e.g., being broke is probably my favorite.); but the gut feeling is fear.) (And, when I do overcome the rationalizations (e.g., when I do have money) and go out; I take along so many defenses, the risk of interaction is about the same as if I had stayed at home. (The fear still rules the moment!)) (I still keep feeling the way to find the self like, self-confidence, …, to beat the fear, is found in alone; but who knows.) (Tis an interesting puzzle!)