Maybe being assertive isn't a valid criterion in my going out puzzle? (Part of that is done alone, but mostly it requires interaction with others to learn. (But, the part done alone is done to become open to interaction, and I am not there yet.)) (I also have to find a way to accept that I will make a lot of mistakes in learning, and that it's okay to fail. (My habit of withdrawing into my shell when I fall on my face hasn't helped me to learn anything about being social, fun, or sexual!))
(11am) Erica stopped by and visited awhile. (Neat!)
She commented that a lot of what I am saying is logical. (True, but then I can build a logical argument for anything, given enough time.) (I have deceived myself so often, and have made so many self-destructive choices; I never trust myself. (As I have said before, my problem with trusting others doesn't really have anything to do with the trustworthiness of others; and is simply that I don't trust myself.))
Another reason for all the time alone has been my writing; but I am getting to the point where I will have everything loaded on the word processor, and I am getting closer to being done. (Maybe when that is all done, boredom will catch up with me and drive me out and about?) (I sure get obsessive when I am plugged into the computer.)
One problem with not trusting my intuition is that I have become dependent on the intuition of my women friends to help guide me. (I don't want to be a burden to them.)
I have gone out and spent a few hundred hours in the bars here, but I rarely managed to interact with anyone and I haven't built new friendships. (I still have a lot to untangle, before interaction with others can even happen.) (In the mean time, it doesn't matter whether I go out or stay home. (Either way, I end up alone.)) (On the other hand, I have never gone out consistently here. (I go out a lot for a month or two, and then spend a few months sitting at home; so I have never gotten to be someone others are used to seeing around. (By the time they are starting to get curious and considering talking to me, I disappear for a few months.)))
(1pm) I am still not sure waiting for the craving to go out, before doing it, is my answer. (The longer I am alone, the more content I am with it, and I no longer have cravings for a lover; so waiting for the craving to go out to return, might be a life long wait.) (Tis a quiet and simple life with little pain or trouble, and it would be easy to spend the rest of my life alone.) (I don't have to do much to please myself, overcome problems, make sacrifices, make commitments, take risks, love, hate, grow, change, ….)
In the past I have met a lot of people in bars; but I also spent months sitting alone at the bar, didn't find any sexual relationships (besides my ex), and created a lot of negative impressions of myself. (Maybe I should continue on as I have been? (Go out for a month or so, see if I am interacting with others; and, if not, go back home for a couple more months and try unraveling the puzzle a bit more.))
Tis interesting that I have picked two careers that both require spending a lot of time alone. (And, by the time I have done my days work, my mind is so fried, and doing something mindless like watching tv is all I am up to.) (It would be nice to get rid of one of the careers. (I would give up accounting without much thought, if writing paid the bills; but I wouldn't give up the writing.)-(Unless writing starts paying the bills, I will have to accept I have to do both.))