(5pm) Nice walk.
(10pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
6-1-87
(8am) A new month to explore.
I have talked to a number of people over the years who have given up the bars. (Mostly it was women and mostly they said it was because they were finding lots of sex, but no one to build a relationship with. And, if they hadn't become really cynical and given up, they were usually looking in church.) (I know that a lot of people in the bars (maybe most), are incapable (at that point in their lives anyway) of dealing with intimacy and commitment; and are just looking for companionship, escape, and sex; but I am not sure that is a valid reason for quitting bars. (Maybe the answer is attitude? (If one goes to the bars to meet people and build friendships with a variety of people, in time they would find someone for a long-term relationship.))) (The people who quit for that reason, all have seemed desperate to find another, and are lost in loneliness; and I don't think that is the answer.)
Not being able to deal with intimacy and commitment, I fit in okay at the bars; but I need to come to terms with sexuality and become playful, so I can be an active player in the games there, and be someone others will enjoy being with.
One advantage of Aids is that it's a great defense mechanism for avoiding sexuality. (And, a polite excuse for not f'ing people you don't want to.) (Sometimes I think I should adopt some new defense mechanism for avoiding sexuality, and just go out; but I think I need to come to terms with it alone, and wait on going out until I can leave most of my defenses at home. (Or, at least enough of them so I am open to sexuality.))-(But, I still fret that I am deceiving myself.)
When I think of going out, I still draw a blank about which bars to go to and when. (And, I still feel bad about going broke.) (What are the reasons behind those excuses?)
I think one advantage of being alone is that I have gradually stripped away some of my defenses, and seen them for what they are. (I haven't gotten rid of them, but at least I am not deceiving myself that they are anything more than excuses.)
During my time in the bars, I became more and more frustrated! (Looking back, I can see I was pushing everyone away, and doing everything I could to avoid sexuality; but, at the time, the environment constantly stimulated my sexual aspects. (I ended up torn, confused, full of self pity, and in constant conflict within myself; and all that did was make me even more undesirable to be with.)) (And, I don't seem to be close to resolving that conflict yet, so I avoid it by staying alone.)
(10am) I wonder if trying to defend staying alone is indicative of it being time to end it? (I am constantly looking for rationalizations for it, and maybe that is a sign that it's time to go out again?)-(Is it just another defense mechanism now, instead of contributing to growth?) (I know time alone was necessary for me to grow, and that time with others will be required to complete the process of growth; and the question keeps coming back to when to end the hermitage and return to the bars.) (Maybe I am ready for that step and I am just fighting internally about taking the risks involved in the next stages?) (Confusion has become a close friend.)