I have to learn to accept that I don't have enough self like, self confidence, and self respect; to believe others could want to spend time with me, to trust my own instincts in choosing friends who are good for me, to be open, to be up, to be …! (e.g., once I find the self-confidence to believe I am desirable, I will learn how to be; but until I have it, I will keep blocking it and making it worse.)-(e.g., once I like myself enough to believe others aren't wasting their time by being with me, I think I will learn how to be social and assertive; but until then I just end up sitting at the bar alone and creating a negative image of myself.) (But, do I stay alone to attain those qualities, or must I get out and interact to reach those goals?)
I can sure be really dense sometimes!
My gut feeling is still that it's time for being alone.
It will be interesting to see what new experiences the future holds for me!
One nice thing that has come out of this unemployment is I seem to be more comfortable with my two careers. (For a long time I tried to fight the accounting; but I am good at it, and it puts a roof over my head. (I am more confident now about my abilities in that area, and no longer dread the time I spend with it.)) (And, after that professor told me my poetry wasn't commercial, I started trying to deny that gift, and push it out of my life; but now I am back to enjoying that part of me again! (I don't expect to make money from my writing, but that doesn't make it bad!))
Actually, a lot of nice things have come out of this unemployment! (It will take two to three years to get caught up on all the bills that went unpaid because of it; but it was well worth it!)
I am doing better after the second three months of unemployment than I was doing after the first three months. (That two months of working for the County in between helped a lot.)-(So did the loan from my dad! (Tis really nice having reliable and cheap transportation.)-(And, to never have to look at that car again.) (And, the computer has kept my mind busy and my time full, which does wonders for my attitude!)) (It has been a good year so far!)
(11am) I got my food stamps today, so I better defrost and clean the frig before I fill it up again.
(3pm) Nice walk.
(5pm) I got the frig cleaned up and did my grocery shopping. (Such fun.)
(11pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
I am getting tired of rolling my own cigs.
5-31-87
(10am) My attitude is better in social settings, but it's only the difference of being quiet and mostly happy instead of being quiet and mostly sad. (That is a start; but I have somehow got to learn to like myself enough to believe I have something to offer others, so I am assertive too. (I can't imagine going into a social setting and being assertive.))
(Noon) I caught up with all my pen pals. (Neat.)
(4pm) Quiet afternoon. (Nice.)