I think the answer for me is to simply doing social things, meet lots of women, build friendships, and let whatever unfolds along the way happen! (Maybe someone who I could build something positive with will come along, and maybe not. (At least I would start finding friends and having fun!)) (From my reaction to my affair with Sharon, it's obvious I am not ready for sexuality yet; so thinking about long-term relationships now is pretty silly! (I think I am closer than I once was, but I am not there yet.)-(And, I still find myself feeling that, since I am still incapable of sexuality, that my defenses would cause others to get a negative image of me; and that I should therefore continue staying in the hermit mode. (Until I am able to play, what is the point in going to the playground?) (I suppose the argument against that idea is that, in the past, when I went, I did meet people who would twist my arm and make me play, and a lot of times I did play and enjoy myself; but that is dependency. (And, I never really let go and got totally in to playing. I still held back and maintained my defenses.)-(I would have found some lovers along the way, if I had.)))) (Confusing!) (Do I have to give myself permission to play and then go to the playground; or do I go to the playground and hope someone will make me join in?)
(3pm) Nice workout.
(6pm) Nice sun tanning session.
(8pm) I ate four x-tops and I am killing off the other half of this pint of VO.
(9pm) This furniture arrangement also makes it brighter in here.
(10pm) I feel good.
5-30-87
(Midnite) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
(9am) I am a little hung-over, but not too bad.
I still puzzle about the "too nice to f" label, I have collected. (How does one get rid of that?) (Then again, Sharon didn't think so, so maybe that is disappearing? (On the other hand, she was shocked that I was good in bed.))
For quite some time I told myself I wasn't going out because of not wanting to bother Erica. Then it occurred to me that, since I can't afford alcohol, I could drive to any bar in town; and could easily avoid ever running into her. (Just another excuse for something I can't face.)
There are parts of life that I am really great at; but there are sure lots that I am totally ignorant of. (e.g., socializing, playing and sexuality) (I think that is why I chose the friends I did. (They were all good at the parts of life I am bad at, and I looked to them for advice, models, and guidance.)-(I hope I can find some more people to help me with what I have to learn!))
I also have a tendency to deceive myself and be self destructive, and I have appreciated the advice of my friends! (Tis nice having people in my life who will tell me I am full of shit, when I am!)