Maybe I do need others in my life to complete my growth and I am just deceiving myself? (I seem to do that a lot.) (Oh well, if I am deceiving myself, and I made myself go out, I might get myself into more trouble than I am ready for.)
I still don't think infidelity is a reason to end a relationship that is based on more; but there are times when there isn't more, and people use affairs as an excuse to end a relationship that needs to end. (It seems to me that it would be a lot less messy if people just said they wanted out, but maybe sometimes something as drastic as an affair is needed to kill the old relationship. (That is how I finally ended mine, so I can relate.))
When I think about going out, one of the first things to pop into my mind is my concern about not being a bother to Erica; but the more time that passes, the more I feel that is just a conscious excuse covering up something I can't yet face.
(9pm) I have read a number of times that f'ing everyone and f'ing no one, are functionally the same thing; so maybe there aren't any new stories to be found in becoming a f'er? (They are both ways to accomplish the same things (avoiding love and commitment), but I would think there would be some different stories. (Maybe it's a matter of looking at the same thing from two different angles?)) (Interesting puzzle.)
Maybe after five years of being divorced, I should be considering working on love and commitment, but I don't feel ready for those parts of life yet. (As Erica says, I am just not mature enough yet to accept the realities of a relationship.)
I suppose I have used the word "intimacy" in the wrong context sometimes. (Working out my problems with sexuality doesn't necessarily have anything to do with working out my problems with intimacy. (If I shift from celibacy to f'ing around, I am only changing the formula, and will be just as far from intimacy as I am now. (e.g., I have more intimate relationships with my women friends than they have with some of their lovers.)))
(10pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
Even the reruns on tv seemed nice tonite. (I cut back to eight hours a day of typing over the weekend, but my mind is still fried. (Time to do something mindless for awhile.))
I wonder why people who talk the most about sexual monogamy, sometimes are the one’s who f around the most? (e.g., Billie was always talking about it, but she had done 1,000's of men. (e.g., when her and her husband were living in Germany (He was a Marine stationed there.), and he would f someone else; she would go out and f a dozen other guys. (She said that, living on a military base, there were always lots of horny men willing to do her.))) (Maybe sometimes when a person talks about it a lot, it's part of jealousy, and based in insecurity? (A lot of people who f around a lot seem to be insecure, and seeking verification of their desirability.)) (And, the jealousy trip, for a lot of people, seems to be tied into the eye for an eye form of retribution. (Or, as in Billie's case, twelve eyes for an eye.)) (My ex used to tell me about what she had done when her first husband f'ed around. (e.g., going out and finding his two best friends, and taking them to bed at the same time.)) (Sexuality sure gets confusing! (I suppose that is why soap operas are so popular.))