I had a nice visit with a woman in the sauna today at the Club. (I am doing better in that environment; but, then again, it's pretty safe there, and lasts only a few minutes.)
(6pm) Time for a typing break.
(11pm) My mind is fried again.
I finished up the third addition to "Outlaws and poets" tonite and ran the spelling checker through it. (Productive day.)
5-23-87
(8am) Well, I am starting to print the third addition. (Such fun.)
(9am) I think that my celibacy had nothing to do with building friendships first, or whom I built them with. (It all had to do with who I have been.) (I think I am a different person now, than I was in my bar days; and if I get back into going, I think things could be different.)-(I still have more changes to make. (I still feel they need to be made alone; but maybe I am deceiving myself, and it's time now to move back towards others again?)-(So confusing.))
I have to remember that although being overly sensitive is one of my major weaknesses, it's also one of my major strengths. (e.g., I have met a lot of the women by sharing my poetry with them. (And, by being someone who would listen to their troubles, and who tried to help them find clues to unlocking their puzzles.)) (e.g., the reason I am as good a lover as I am has to do with being sensitive. (During those moments I pretty much shut off my mind; and focus on the sensations I am feeling (I love to focus on my finger tips and touch.), and pay attention to the subtle cues women give about what they want and how they want it.)) (Tis probable also a big factor in why there have been few lovers in my life. (Too often I have denied myself rather than to risk hurting women I care about.))
Although I have told a lot of bar stories, maybe I would find some different one’s, by being a fucker instead of a celibate? (I have to keep changing who I am, or regress into writing the same stories over and over.)-(I think I have about explored alone as far as I can without repeating myself; but I have to think of a new mask to wear next time I explore the streets.) (My ex couldn't stand me writing poetry, so I never told stories about a relationship, while I was experiencing it, and that is a possibility; but I don't feel I am ready to explore that yet.)
(10am) Laundry time again.
(4pm) Nice walk.
(9pm) I suppose whether or not I am deceiving myself about needing to be alone isn't relevant. (If I am deceiving myself still about my feelings, then I would get ripped to shreds out on the streets.)
(10pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)