5-21-87
(7am) Tis about time to plug myself back into the computer.
Erica has commented that I am inconsistent in talking about monogamy. (I wonder if it has anything to do with a conflict between long and short-term goals?) (I doubt I will ever remarry, but it would be nice to try living with someone again someday.) (But, in order to become someone who can make a contribution to another's life, I need to collect a variety of new experiences and come to terms with a lot of stuff. (Maybe I am wrong, but I think the first step is to continue as a hermit until I am totally content with myself, don't feel sorry for me, don't depress others, and have the self confidence to be assertive. (Then back to the bars, meet a lot of women, build friendships, date a lot of women, and experience a variety of lovers. (Then at some point, see if there is someone I think about more than the others, who I enjoy being with, and think I can work out living together with. (Make any sense? (I am totally immature when it comes to relationships with women, and I think I am years away from my goal.))))))
I will try not to complain in the future, about lovers who don't please me. (Erica got mad at me for that.) (Be happy for whatever loving does come my way, and take care of my needs later if she doesn't.) (And, each new lover teaches me new things about giving pleasure to women, and that is neat.) (Oh well, I have other things to work on, and I need to forget sex for awhile!)
(1pm) Time for a typing break.
(7pm) Time for a typing break.
Erica called to tell me about the trip to Jamaica she and Henry are going on. (That is neat! (Good for them!))
Tis neat not feeling loneliness much anymore. (It comes around now and then; but it's nowhere near as intense as it once was.) (Tis one of the positive things that have come to me during this hermitage.)
Sometimes Erica tells me to go out and just look for a f, and then other times she tells me to look for a girlfriend. (?) (I am still confused and torn about whether to approach a sexual relationship from friendships or lovers.) (It would be fantasy for me to think I am ready for a girlfriend now; but, do I remain alone until it isn’t fantasy, or must I get out and start f'ing around and building friendships before it will stop being fantasy?) (Celibacy is a drag and f'ing around sounds like it might be more fun; but I just can't break through to being comfortable with my own sexuality.)
(11pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
5-22-87
(8am) Time to plug into the computer.
(1pm) Time for a typing break.
(3pm) Nice workout.