Maybe a part of what I have to do before returning to living life with others is to come to terms with my gift of sensitivity? (It gives me the potential to give much that is positive to others; but I have to reach a point where I can deal with the pain of it.)-(When I go out, people in pain seem to seek me out, and I have helped many people in dealing with their hurt; but it takes a toll.)-(I think I have a responsibility to share my gift, help others, and tell their stories; so I have to return someday!) (Maybe part of my problem is trying to label my writing as a career, and feeling bad about not making money at it?)-(Maybe I need to learn to truly embrace my gift and my function as a storyteller; and not worry about the money I lose as a result?)-(I get torn apart inside when I try to suppress the writing and focus all my energy on accounting.) (The time I was able to deal with going to bars broke was when I went as a poet instead of as an accountant. (I have always had more fun playing the poet than playing the accountant. (It may not pay the bills, but I might be far happier if I stopped trying to suppress my poetry.)))
I am not sure I will ever be able to deal with my own sexuality and I have to overcome the desire for it. (It just ends up frustrating me to long for a sex life, and it gets in the way of being with others.) (There is the potential that I would have a happier and healthier and longer life, if I could deal with it; but …. (Tis also a part of life I have never written about while I was experiencing it, so there are stories there; but maybe I am not the one to tell them?))
And, maybe returning to the bar scene isn't the answer? (I spent years there, and I may have told most of the stories to be found there already?) (I know that part of now is that I needed to tell some of the stories of alone.) (Maybe I need to find some new part of life to explore and write about? (But what?))
(10am) In '85, I decided that if that Professor said my writing had commercial potential, I would focus on my writing; and, if not, I would focus on accounting. (He said it was totally without commercial value, so I have tried to focus more on accounting. (That just set up a conflict, and I ended up not getting anywhere with either.)) (I have to stop denying my gift for poetry, and simply accept it isn’t for the money. (How does one overcome our cultural conditioning and do that?))
People have suggested that I stop writing and start getting out and experiencing life; but I don't think my writing makes any difference. (Back in my bar days, I wrote at least as much prose and far more poetry than now. (There are far more stories to write about in bars than in alone.))
(1pm) Time for a break. (I started another addition to "Outlaws and poets" today from Erica's letters.)
(3pm) Nice workout.
(7pm) Time for a typing break. (And, dinner.)
(10pm) Enough typing for today. (My mind is fried again.)
Oh yes, Sharon commented that I would have gotten a lot more responses to my intro ad if I had said I smoked pot. (If I ever try that again, maybe I will try to figure out a way to say it without saying it.)