5-7-87
(7am) Maybe my ultimate time of withdrawal was when I was married. (I couldn't be open with her and I had to constantly edit what I said and how I said it. (Certain words, phrases, tones, …; had such intense negative connotations to her that it was scary.) (When the attacks ran on for hours and hours (Usually I could stand up to it for four or five hours.), I would eventually hit an emotional burnout point, and I would end up hiding in the closet. (I guess I could have left, but when I tried that she would threaten suicide. (I suppose that is why I am so anti-emotional blackmail now.)))) (Since I chose to stay for so long, it was self-abuse. (She did a good job of whipping me every day; but, since I stayed and took it, it was masochism. (I have no one to blame except myself!)))
Unless something unforeseen happens, it's going to be years before I will have the money to go out regularly, date, …; so, I am either going to have to start going out broke again, or continue being a recluse for a long time to come. (Keep working on growing, and I think, in time, I will gain the self confidence to start going out broke again.)
One advantage of a steady girlfriend would be being able to forget about rubbers. (They get in the way of the spontaneity of the moment, and cut back on the sensations (for the guy anyway).) (I am still unclear about the implications of Aids on oral sex. (If it's transmitted by semen, then women should put one on the guy before blowing him; but should I be covering her pussy with saran wrap or something?)) (The big advantage I see in being sterile is being able to forget about pregnancy, which enhances the spontaneity of sex; but Aids and Herpes have screwed that up until I find a steady girlfriend, and either form a sexually monogamous relationship or agree to use rubbers with others.) (Oh well.)
Miranda says that Gwynn picked up a dui. (What a drag.)
Although I still don't have the confidence or skills to do more than to sit quietly alone; maybe it could be made into positive time by studying what others are doing and trying to model how they interact. (And, as in the past, I would eventually meet some of the extraverted people.)
Why is it some women want a commitment so quickly? (I had spent less than thirty hours with Sharon, yet she wanted one.) (Maybe I am just reacting to having made a commitment to my ex before I got to know her well as a person? (That turned out real messy.)) (It takes time to build a friendship, and that should be there before one makes a commitment.) (Oh well, more time wouldn't have changed anything except maybe to cause her more pain when it ended.)
Maybe I would have found a girlfriend by now, if it hadn't been for being in love with Erica; but I doubt that I would have grown as much as I have! (And, I would have probably ended up with someone, as an outgrowth of the desperation I used to feel; rather than out of love and mutuality.)
(8am) Tis typing time in Missoula, once more.
(11am) Time for a typing break.
There are some crazy guys running around loose, and for a woman to be totally oblivious of that reality is to ask for pain; but women who become obsessive about it aren't behaving in a wise and healthy way either, in my opinion. (Oh well, that is another puzzle where I can't really talk.)