better shape than most of them (physically anyway).))) (Another comment she made was that she liked doing her own thing and being independent; but, come nite time, she longed to have someone around. (I can remember when nites were hard to get through, but I am content with it now. (It would be nice to find a girlfriend; but one of the biggest advantages of my time alone is that I no longer feel desperate to find someone!)))
(11am) Sharon invited me to a barbecue tonite at her nieces house, so I can meet her again and her beau. (It makes me a bit nervous that she wants me to start meeting her family.) (I am again questioning the wisdom of continuing my affair with Sharon.)
Erica commented that young women are more likely to get their hearts broken by f'ing around, but I am not sure age has anything to do with it. (It does however, I think, make dealing with it easier. (I know I am more cynical than I once was.))
(6pm) I went to the park and caught some rays. (I do love the sun.) (Another change from Bozeman is that here I rarely see the moon and have built a relationship with the sun.)
5-2-87
(1am) The barbecue was interesting. (A couple friends of her niece's beau from out of town were visiting, so they were all pretty much lost in a game of "remember when".) (I did have a number of little conversations. (I still don't seem to talk unless I am spoken to. (Once I get started I am ok, but I still have a ways to go to find the confidence to talk first.)))
Afterwards we went back to Sharon's place, and I got her off a couple more times. (She wanted me to spend the nite again, but I decided to ignore the tears this time.)
I wonder if Erica invites me places now and then, out of pity or because she really enjoys having me around a little?
(2am) Isn't there a certain amount of humor in me finally finding a f, and she hurts her back and can't f? (Oh well, I need practice at giving pleasure.)
(10am) I slept much better.
One problem with my hermitage is how do I know when I am good enough for women, and ready to end it? (Maybe it's just my self-doubt telling me I am not ready, when I really am?)-(Maybe it's just a matter of liking myself enough to believe I am ready?) (When it comes down to the question of whether I am desirable enough for women, it's their opinion, not mine, that is really relevant. (I am not going to find out what they think, sitting at home alone.)-(I am still basing a lot of my opinion of my desirability on all the rejection in my bar days, but I am a different person than I was then. (I suppose things might be different now, if I were just open to it.)) (I suppose more than anything, what I am doing is saying that I am undesirable, and not giving women a voice in the matter.))
One advantage of going out again would be having something different to write about. (I started the journal in 11-84. (That is about when I quit living in bars, so none of my writing from the bar days still exists. (There were a lot of nice moments and stories back then, and maybe I should collect some new one’s to tell?)-(I guess there are still tons of stories about that time in my poetry; but maybe this time I will find some different stories to tell? (Explore the world of f'ing around this time.)-(I have already pretty well explored celibacy.))))