(2pm) Time for a typing break.
(4pm) Christine has called several times this week. (She is starting to run into problems with the year-end at the County.) (She says they may have me back over for a week in June. (That would sure be nice! (My bank account is in pretty sad shape.)))
5-1-87
(10am) I ended up spending the nite at Sharon's. (I hadn't planned to, but she kept crying and talking about how I was just using her for practice. (True, and I keep telling her she is right; but my quilt got to me.)) (Sometimes when she talks about all the men she has done since she left her hubby, she says it was good for her. (e.g., she got married at 17, had kids right away, and led a pretty sheltered life; and they gave her a taste of some of the variety that life has to offer.) (Last nite she could only think about them as having used her.))) (She has been separated for over two years now. She says she didn't get divorced earlier because it was reassuring to her to know she could always go back to him. (Then six months ago he gave up waiting on her, found a girlfriend, and he filed for divorce.) (She says she doesn't want her husband, but can't stand that he has a girlfriend. (?))) (I sure slept shitty. (Part of it was that it was a different bed, but mostly it's probably that I haven't shared a bed with anyone in years.)) (She can't comprehend all my friendships with women, and from things she says (e.g., she wanted to know if I had kissed any of them.), I don't think she believes they were platonic. (I think a relationship with her would mean giving up all my women friends.)) (She is still commenting about how she is a "woman who loves too much". (I keep telling her I won't be in her life for long, and that it's just for the moment; but she is starting to have a problem with it. (e.g., last nite she was really uptight about sex and I was only able to get her off a couple of times.))) (She can't understand how I can be too uptight to ask women to dance, but so relaxed with her sexually. (I think she is trying to read into it that she is special to me; but it's only my self-doubts. (Once a woman makes the first move and makes it clear she really wants to play with me, I am fine; but before then I just can't imagine anyone being interested.))) (She is still talking about how I hold my feelings in. (I know I do that, but I don't have any feelings for her to express.)) (Last nite could have been a lot nicer, if she had been able to accept the moment and enjoy it, instead of crying over the fact that it isn’t forever! (e.g., at one point, she had me stop what I was doing to her, looked into my eyes, and said, "Damn you, I could be anybody, couldn't I?" (Yeah. (I get pleasure from giving pleasure, and I will try everything I know to please any woman who is kind enough to come to me for loving. (And, I try to learn a little more of the art of giving pleasure from each new lover.))))) (Tension sure squeezes the magic out of a moment in a hurry! (I ended being uptight and guilty, and most of my energy went into soothing and comforting her.)) (Her daughter in Seattle called while we were in bed, and Sharon told her that she was alone and bored. (She says her daughters can't deal with her sexuality. (Maybe it's Sharon who has a problem with her own sexuality? (The kids might be really happy to hear that mom is having some fun.)))) (Oh yes, she said she would dump me, if I weren't such a good f. (If I am going to use someone, I should at least please her and see to it that she enjoys herself!)) (I told her if the sex is a problem, we should just be friends; but she says she can't imagine being with me and not f'ing. (Oh well.)) (She said that was the first time in her life that a man had taken the time to devote an evening to being with her, touching, and pleasing her. (I am glad I was able to give her something special! (Tis sad that it's the first time.))) (She wanted to know how come no one has snatched me up yet. (I think part of the answer is that, who I am now, isn't who I was. (I am a different person than I was in my bar days.)-(I am a different person than I was back in September when this time of solitude began.))) (She says I have a great body. (That was sweet of her to say, but I still have a ways to go. (I find myself discounting a lot of what she says about me, because I am 5-20 years younger than the fellows she is used to dating, and I should be in