(10am) When I feel I have become good enough and that women aren't wasting their time by spending it with me; I will start going out and work on becoming more assertive. (But I am a long ways from that, it seems!) (I still feel that alone is the best way to approach liking myself more. (If it doesn't work, I will try something different.))
(2pm) I went down and got a food stamp appointment. (And, checked out the board at Job Service again.)
(6pm) Quiet afternoon of typing. (Nice.)
(8pm) When there are two to ten fellows for every woman at the bars, a lot of them are pros at seduction, and I still feel women are better off with someone else; what is the point to going out?
(11pm) Quiet nite of tv. (Nice.)
4-29-87
(3pm) Nice workout.
(6pm) I went down to the park and worked on my suntan. (Erica came down there and bs'd with me for a bit. Then Charlotte showed up and we chatted with her some. (Neat.) (It sounds like they are still having fun. (Good for them!)))
She says Miranda was supposed to invite me to the barbecue they gave the other nite. (At first she was mad at me for not going, but I didn't get an invite.) (She shouldn't be mad at Miranda though. (I am just not someone people think of when it's time for fun.) (Lots of people have spaced me off, lots of times; and I am used to it. (I suppose being spaced off so often is part of why I don't like myself or believe people want to be with me; but it's probably been my existing self hate and poor attitude that caused people to space me off to begin with! (Another Catch 22. (I still think the first step towards uncatching it is liking myself enough to believe people can and should enjoy spending time with me! (In the mean time, I still have some companionship, as long as people keep asking me for help when they have work I can help them with.)))))
(8pm) I did some more typing on "Outlaws and Poets" today. (Busy, busy!)
Although gaining renewed confidence in my abilities as a lover is helpful, my experience seems to show that being a good lover isn't very high on women's lists of priorities, when it comes to choosing a beau. (Being fun, mature, emotionally and financially stable, being able to give them kids, …; are higher priorities for most women. (I have a long ways to go in those areas still!))
(11pm) Quiet nite of tv. (Nice.)
4-30-87
(9am) Thinking back, my tendencies toward self-hate and withdrawal stretch back as far as I can remember.
(10am) Sharon called and invited me over.
(1pm) Erica popped in on her lunch break and said hi. (Neat.)