How does one tell which women are just out looking for a f, and which want to find a beau? (It must be more than what they say. (I can think of a lot of women, back in my bar days, who said that is all they were after; but ended up crying on my shoulder when that is all it turned out to be.) (Another puzzle to play with. (Or, maybe, it's one I should forget about? (Just use women and let the chips fall where they may. (I am not going to live a very full life, or learn much about dealing with relationships, if I continue to be afraid of breaking hearts or having mine broken (I have to learn to toss the dice again, and be open to risks!)))))
4-27-87
(8am) I managed to get pretty drunk last nite, but not too much so. (Nice nite.)
I called Sharon last nite and visited a bit with her. (Her back is still messed up, and she is having trouble walking.) (She is thinking about setting up her air conditioner. (She says she is paranoid of break ins and it makes her nervous to leave the windows open.)) (She says she isn’t sleeping well. (A combo of pain and worrying about break ins.)) (She had asked about my poetry, so I loaned her a copy of "Feelings". (She says she enjoyed reading it.) (She commented about me being very closed about my feelings verbally, but very open about them in my poetry. (I have been told that a number of times.))) (I am supposed to call her in a bit to see about dropping by today and visiting her.)
(4pm) I went over and bs'd with Sharon. (We laid out in her back yard and caught some more rays.) (She was in too much pain to f, but I got her off five times. (I need the practice at giving pleasure, since that is about all I have to offer women.)) (I talked to her some more today about our relationship. (Hopefully she accepts it for what it is. (We will see.))) (When I talked about feeling I needed to get money before I considered relationships seriously, she wanted to know why men feel that way. (Because society and a lot of women tell us we need it.) (She says when she has wanted things she goes out and works, and gets it herself. (I have to remember that there are a lot of women like that, and that there are women who won't be bothered by my financial problems.))) (She also says that I should see my kids. (They hate me and I am just not up to dealing with anything that negative now. (I have some more maturing to do first.)))
(8pm) I still tell myself sometimes that I sit home a lot in order to get time with Erica; but I never really expect her to stop by. (And, if she does stop by it’s rarely more than just for a minute. (That is ok as I feel she is better off spending her time with others.)) (It has more to do with being where she can avoid me, than with that.) (Mostly it has to do with it being what I need to be doing now! (Still, the time I spend with her is my favorite part of life!))
(10pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
I am feeling good.
4-28-87
(8am) I wonder if being honest about my feelings with Erica means I like myself more? (Maybe it's just that I have finally become convinced that there is no way she will be interested, and it's safe to express them?)