4-26-87
(8am) Happy five years of being single to me. (I wonder if I will ever get comfortable with f'ing around, acquire seduction skills, and become desirable enough to women?) (Maybe someday I will start acting single?)
I wonder if I will ever mature enough for a girlfriend?
(10am) I caught up with all my pen pals again.
As long as I keep feeling that my poverty and debts make me someone women shouldn't get involved with, there is no hope in finding women to spend time with. (I have either got to pay it off and get money; or else like myself despite it, and believe that I have got something else to offer women that makes it positive for them to be with me!) (If I met and fell for someone now, I would still feel she deserved better than me, and I wouldn’t say anything about my feelings to her. (And, like with Erica, I would stay out of her way, so she could find someone who is!)) (I will guess that part of why I am uncomfortable with f'ing around, has to do with not liking myself enough to allow myself those pleasures, and feeling that their time would be better spent with another.) (Another advantage, I think, of being alone is that I am learning to like myself for me, not because others do.) (Oh well, just keep trying to grow and like myself enough!)
(11am) Well, I just ate three x-tops and I am starting on the J. D. (Party time.)
The last five years have been a little short on sex and money, but it has been a good five years!
(Noon) I am listening to the Doors and watching my XXX-rated video. (It's about time to contemplate my navel again.)
I suppose part of the reason I never acquired the skills necessary for seduction is simply that I haven't been comfortable with f'ing around. (And, a lot of why I am uncomfortable with it probably ties into not liking myself enough to think I am deserving of that joy.) (I think I will figure it all out, and come to like myself enough to return sexuality to my life; but it seems to be a slow process.)
Even if it ends now, I think my affair with Sharon was good for me. (I may not have much to offer women, but our affair restored my confidence that I can at least still give a woman a lot of pleasure in bed.) (I am more comfortable now with the thought of f'ing around, knowing I can please the women I am f'ing around with!)
I still feel guilty about wanting to be one of Erica's lovers! (Tis less so now though, since I have been honest with her about it. (And, it doesn't seem to have made her too mad, so I will keep being honest.)) (Some dreams just aren't meant to come true, but that doesn't make dreams bad!)
(1pm) I am pretty buzzed.
(5pm) I went to the park and worked on my tan some more. (The sun felt good, but I got a little burned this time.)