As my Aunt in Vegas said in her letter, I shouldn't feel guilty about being alone, that alone is necessary for my writing, and much of why we are here has to do with working things out at the individual level. (Tis a positive time for me!)
I don't think that not building a new loving relationship with a woman has been bad for me. (It has allowed me to spend time growing and learning (I have come a long ways, but I have a long ways still to go.), studying accounting, writing, learning to like myself more, learning to enjoy my own company, ….)-(It has allowed me to put a big dent in my marriage debts.)-(It has brought me a nicer home.)-(I could go on, but the point is that I am making something positive out of it, and I have no regrets!)
(5pm) I haven't gotten back into riding my bike this year, but I seem to prefer walking to get the aerobic activity I need. (Maybe I will find someone to ride with, and do some. (Until then I think I will stick with walking.))
I still think about Gwynn some. (Sometimes when I look into her eyes I get the feeling that there is something we need to work out in the bedroom.) (But, I think we are too much alike to consider a long-term relationship with her. (If I were good at seduction and comfortable with f'ing around, I would try to talk her into one nite though!))
Another positive thing that has come out of my loving Erica is that I have learned to deal better with my feelings of jealousy. (And to accept that loving someone means letting them go, to be who they want to be, with whomever they want to be with!) (I still get those feelings, now and then; but not as often or as intensely as I once did, and I have learned to ignore them and not to express them! (All jealousy does is destroy love!))
(6pm) Another advantage of time alone is that it's teaching me that I don't need anyone else to have fun and enjoy myself. (Lots of people have commented that they got the impression that I felt finding a girlfriend was going to be the solution to all of my troubles. (I am in the process of learning that I am the solution to the vast majority of my own troubles!))
(10pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
4-24-87
(8am) I used to hate and dread being alone, but I am coming to really enjoy it and my own company! (Neat!)
I am enjoying being back into working on "Outlaws and Poets"! (I am not sure I would ever try to publish it; but it's fun, it's a learning experience, it fills up my time (Unemployment can be a real drag.), and it keeps my mind active!) (Learning to become a better writer is another of the positive things to come out of loving Erica! (If it hadn't been for loving her and the thousands of hours I have spent writing to her over the years; I wouldn't have improved that skill to the level I have, or discovered the joys of writing!)) (And, although it was a hopeless quest, it did bring to life some neat poems! (There are all sorts of stories I have told in them, as a result of loving her, and that can't be bad!))