4-21-87
(9am) I think all of Erica's comment about my immaturity are the best reason I have for not looking for a girlfriend now. (Until I am a better man, I have no business looking. (I am just not good enough for anyone now!))
I woke up with a headache today. (Yech.)
Maybe sitting home alone, waiting for the brief moments Erica has to spare me is bad; but it has given me the time to do things that are positive for me! (If I had wasted the time and just vegetated, I would feel differently; but I have used it constructively!) (And, I accepted a long time ago that there would just be brief moments that she has to spare me, and I am not sad about it at all!)
(10am) I would agree my behavior was bad, if I were feeling sorry for myself because Erica doesn't feel for me like I would like her to; but I don't. (I have accepted what is, and I am content!) (If I were sitting at the bar all day, drinking my mind away and crying in my beer; I would worry about it, but I keep doing constructive things with my time and growing!)
Maybe I should be spending more time in bars now, but I still feel that this time needs to be invested into my accounting and writing careers, and into growing; and my money needs to be invested into getting my marriage paid off, so I can put that in the past! (What I am doing now still feels right.)
I think, in time, I will find someone who interests me and who is interested in me; but it will be because of the time I am investing in growing and improving myself. (I am not someone now whom the women who interest me can be interested in; so I have a lot of changing to do.) (And, I believe it will be partly an outgrowth of the changes I have made out of loving Erica.)
(11am) I am still torn about sexuality. (My options, without a steady girlfriend, are celibacy and f'ing around, and they are both lousy answers. (I am not skilled at seduction, f'ing around still stirs up a lot of quilt inside of me, and the diseases it leaves one open to aren't pretty.) (Celibacy is the shits too!) (A steady girlfriend would be really nice, in a lot of ways besides sexuality; but I am not good enough yet. (And, it wouldn't be fair to her, until I grow some more, and become someone who can make positive contributions to her life and not be a drain on her energies.))) (Keep moving on into the darkness and see what tomorrow brings.)
I am still worried about hurting Sharon. (She just isn’t someone I am that attracted to, even if I was ready for a ladylove in my life.) (She has commented that she thinks she is just a stepping stone back into sexuality. (Maybe, but maybe it's just an experiment? (I may well return to long-term celibacy again.)) (I hope she doesn't think it has to do with her age. (Carrie could never understand it, but I am as attracted (at least) to older women as I am to younger one’s.)-(Actually, I am more likely to find older lovers. (They seem to be a lot more aggressive than the younger women would ever consider being. (As Sharon said, when you hit 40 you stop waiting around for things to happen and start trying to make them happen.)))))
(Noon) I wonder what it is about the letter "g" that a lot of people don't like? (Probably just laziness.)-(I know I leave it out of the "ing" words in a lot of my poems.)
(4pm) Well, I got another hair cut. (Tis nice going to the barber college for that now. (I got tired of the boot camp haircuts that I got when I was cutting it myself.))