Tis hard to beat jealousy. (Our society conditions that response into us.) (And, unless one really loves themselves and is secure, it's a tendency that will be there.) (I know I still have those feelings, and that it's still part of why I avoid being in the same place as Erica. (Maybe I should stop avoiding her socially, and come to terms with that feeling?))
(1pm) I think one of the biggest problems with jealousy is that it tends to create the behavior that the person is afraid of. (In the NLP books they stress over and over that one should avoid using the word "don't", as ,to process the message, one has to visualize the action. (e.g., if one tells their lover "Don't fuck around.", their lover has to visualize fucking around in order to process the message, which in turn, given human nature, increases the probability of it happening.)) (Also, from my experience, when one is punished regularly by jealous rages, one eventually decides that they should go out and get the pleasure of an affair, since they have already been punished for doing it.)
Maybe I should go back to telling everyone about being in love with Erica? (The advantages would be:
1. Tis a better explanation of my behavior than a lot of other explanations, and maybe less negative.
2. I am weary of denying those feelings.
3. Maybe with that defense mechanism back in place I could get into going out more?
4. Erica could talk to whomever she wanted to about it.)
(Another possibility would be to tell people I am in love with someone else. (I could tell everyone I am in love with Carrie. (That isn’t even a lie)))
(3pm) Nice walk.
(11pm) Quiet nite of tv. (Nice.)
4-20-87
(8am) I know Erica wants me to move onto another. (Even more so, it seems, since I have been being honest.) (I just can't seem to figure it out.)
Another reason for avoiding the places Erica goes is that she seems to get angrier at me at those times, than if I stay out of her way. (She gets mad enough at me, as it is.)
Well, tis time to return to studying the new tax law.
(3pm) Nice workout. (The afternoon is a nice time for doing my Nautilus trip. (There is hardly anyone there, and I get through it a lot faster.))
(9pm) Erica dropped by a couple times and I helped her some more with her computer studies. (Nice!) (It sure makes me feel good to help others!)
(11pm) Quiet nite of tv. (Nice.)
Sharon called and she is going to fix me dinner Thursday nite. (I could use a little loving and a free meal.)