I suppose that it's telling that while I made a lot of changes trying to get more time with Erica, I was also doing other things to push her away. (I care too much for her to wish myself on her!)
I suppose I should plug the phone back in.
Sometimes I think the answer to my feelings for Erica is to move someplace else; but I went for years living in a different town, and it didn't make any difference. (I might go out more, but I am not sure I would be any more open to new loves.) (And, the lectures Hunter gave me about running away from my problems keep coming to mind. (Someday I have to stop running from my problems and start facing them. (Hopefully this time alone will help with all this. (Or is that just another example of running away?)))
(10am) Well, I caught up with all my pen pals again. (Sometimes I think I should quit all my pen pals, but that is my only contact with others. (And, I don't think that it would change the amount of time I spend alone. (I would probably just restart my journal, and be even more of a turtle.)))
I shouldn't have complained to Erica about not meeting anyone here, since I never tried to.
A couple more reasons I avoid being in the same place as Erica are that, when she is around, all other women seem boring to me; and although I try to deny it and I feel guilty about it, I usually end up experiencing jealousy. (Oh well, I obviously have a lot of maturing left to do, so stay alone and work on that.)
I thought about going to a blues concert on the 26th to celebrate five years of single life, but I just can't afford it now. (And, since I am celebrating five years of alone, it's more appropriate to celebrate alone.)
I don't think this little affair with Sharon is going to last much longer. (She is looking for more than I can offer her.) (And, I am feeling guilty about using her. (Not too much so though. (She is trying to get a divorce now, but it sounds messy. (She has a good job, and he isn’t working now; so he is trying to screw her financially.) (From things she has said to me, I get the feeling that fucking a younger man is her way of getting even with him.)))) (Oh well, no big-a-deal. (We are not very compatible, sexually.))
I have asked Erica to not talk about my feelings with anyone else, because I would just as soon not have it known. (If that has been a defense mechanism, the less people who know, the better off I will be when I do get back out and start looking for new loves.) (I wonder if that is really fair to her?) (By the time I work through all this shit and get back out on the streets, there will probably be a whole new bunch of people there than now; so it might not make any difference.)
Since I am back into the hermit routine, I am crashing about ten or eleven, and getting up early. (Why stay up late? (I might as well stick to my normal work schedule, so I am in synch with it when I find a job.))
I didn't see the full moon again this month.
(10am) I caught up with my pen pals again. (Neat.)