I am a bit confused by Erica's latest comments though. (I voiced some concern about getting involved with Sharon, because she seems to take sex too seriously and I am afraid of hurting her; but Erica says I should go ahead and do Sharon, if the opportunity arises. (?) (For years Erica (and several others) has been telling me that she won't do me because I take sex too seriously and she might hurt me; and now she wants me to do just that with Sharon.))
She is also giving me shit again about cigs. (I am just not ready to move past them.) (When I quit and go to the bars, I get uptight and I get headaches, and, for now, I need to be as relaxed and feeling as good as I possibly can in that environment!)
She seems to be pushing the idea of me finding a stead girlfriend now. (Even if Sharon was good for me, getting involved with anyone, without going through a time of getting to know lots of women, doesn’t seem like a good idea. (We would both end up wondering if I was with her out of desperation for companionship and sex.)) (Maybe I am wrong and I have to deal with commitment first and then work out sexuality within that commitment?) (Or, does she just want me to move on to another?)
She says my idea of telling women about other lovers isn't a good idea. (I want to be honest about the relationships, and try to avoid hurting anyone. (Maybe that is unrealistic?)) (She says women like to feel they are special, and telling about other lovers would just screw things up.)
She also commented that it isn’t "lines" that get guys laid. (I have been told that before.) (But, I don't have any idea what it is that brings sex to life. (There must be some element of it that relates to what they say and do, but maybe it's all body language, eyes, smell, …?)) (I am obviously pushing women away, but how to change myself so that I am attracting women instead, still has me baffled.)
(11pm) Well, I ate four x-tops and it's time to hike downtown.
3-28-87
(2am) I went down to Hubcaps. (Twas dead, but I enjoyed the music.)
I stopped in Corky's and visited with Dell and Ashley. (Ashley says she wishes someone would write as much to her as I write to Erica. (I do love my pen pals. (And, I am writing this book from Carrie and Erica's letters, rather than from a journal.)))
I suppose using the excuse of loving Erica for not having any other lovers, shows that I already knew that women like to feel special.
I am still thinking a lot about Wallace as a first step in coming to terms with my sexuality. (I am far more relaxed there than when I first went over there. (They still end up telling me to relax; so I obviously have a ways to go yet.)) (The last time I found a willing lover was over four years ago, and I had the shakes really bad then. (Fortunately she was a good friend and was patient with me.) (That time is part of my problem now. (She was a good friend, and I ended up hurting her.))) (Oh well, I can't afford sex therapy now, so stop worrying about it!)
When I wrote the second draft of "Outlaws and poets", I chopped out a lot on my feelings for Erica; and I think now I should go back and put them back in. (The poetry and a lot of the rest don't make as much sense without them.)