I made it home alone again tonite. (I am just not ready for one-nite stands.) (Oh well, I am content coming back home alone and writing to my pen pals.)
(3am) I got started on my taping project for Miranda. (I do love sharing.) (These projects force me to listen to a lot of music I haven't heard in awhile. (Neat. (Mostly. (Right now I am making her a Billy Joel tape. (His "Innocent man" album still makes me think of Erica.)))))
Regardless of whether I really loved Erica, or it was just a trick my unconscious mind used to avoid sexuality, intimacy and commitment; I have to find a way to move on to another. (I still find myself preferring the thought of a couple minutes visiting or writing to her, to a f.)
Another advantage of all my time alone has been that I have spent a lot of my extra money on fixing up my home, instead of in bars. (I do love how much nicer my home is now.) (I also love my record collection. (I had about 50 albums when I gave up the bars, and now I have well over 300.)) (One of these days I will have to go back to investing in bars, so I have others to share my home with. (A lot of my pleasure in life comes from sharing, and I need to get back to doing it more!))
(6am) I better look for sleep.
(10am) I wish I could sleep more, but no luck.
I suppose I need to stop regressing into trying to figure out why I am incapable of intimacy and commitment, and focus on finding ways to change. (I keep thinking I need to work on my problems with sexuality first, because I know that severely limits the number of women I have to choose from, in finding a girlfriend. (There are so many fellows who don't have a problem with intimacy, it isn’t real likely someone is going to be patient with me. (I will have to get past that, just to meet a lot of women.))) (I think about Wallace as a place to start, because that is the closest I have come to sexuality in over four years.) (Maybe I am deceiving myself again, and I need to work on finding someone to make a commitment to first, and then work on the intimacy later?)
(Noon) Well, I haven't gotten any more responses from either of my ads yet.
I will have to work on my fear of hurting and being hurt. (Until I am willing to risk, there isn’t going to be much playtime with women in my life.) (I have never even been able to deal with dating more than one woman at a time, let alone having more than one lover.)
I still think I have to find some way to stop thinking about it so much. (I have spent a substantial part of the past six months sitting here thinking and writing about it, and I need to get onto other things. (e.g., a job)) (Tis tempting to wish for a steady girlfriend, so I could come to terms with all this, and get back to focusing on making money; but that is unrealistic. (To make a relationship work, would require a lot of time and energy.)) (I have to unlock the puzzle myself, and untangle myself from the web I have woven.)
(3pm) It has been kind of strange running into people at the bars who have talked to Erica, and know all about what is going on in my life; but I barely know them, and don't have the foggiest idea what they are up to. (Oh well, I chose to be a hermit, so ….)
(8pm) Erica dropped by to say hi. (Nice.)