3-27-87
(Noon) In the past, I have blamed the rumors about me being married, on all the time I spent in bars with Samantha; but I think now that it was just my behavior that spawned them. (If I had been able to deal with sexuality, and had chased other women when I was out with her, that rumor would never have started.) (That fit what I needed at the time, and I have no regrets.)
Oh yes, Sharon chalked up her divorce to her husband being a man's man. (She says he was always off with his buddies drinking, hunting, fishing, …; and just came home to her for food and sex. She said it was bearable until the kids were raised; but then she got tired of being alone, and decided to leave him and find some companionship.) (She also commented that she couldn’t really imagine a non-sexual relationship with a man. (My ex was like that too.)-(That is sad! (I may bitch sometimes about my relationships with women never being sexual, but those are truly beautiful relationships!))) (I know that, in time, I will have to overcome my block and build some sexual relationships too, but I can't imagine not continuing to build and cherish platonic relationships!)
Wouldn't it be valid to say that women play the conquest game as often as men do? (I wonder if a lot of times when a guy thinks he is playing the conqueror, he is really just playing the role the woman wanted him to play?)
Oh yes, it turns out that my new lighter has been useless so far. (The one time I have gone out since, I noticed I kept laying it down on the bar so that the side that says "Available" was face down. (I am still too uptight for one-nite stands.))
(2pm) Nice walk.
If my inability to deal with sexuality is why women tell me I am a "nice guy", isn't being a "nice guy" bad?
Another of Sharon's comments was that she can really relate to the book
"Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.
Although time alone doesn't give me experience that will help in seduction, I think it’s helping me to see the problem more clearly. (It also allows me to work on my attitudes and behaviors, so that when I do go out I will be more open to sexuality.)
(5pm) Nice workout.
The conscious thoughts that have motivated me to stay home have had to do with loving Erica. (e.g., that is the only way I get to see her, and not worry about being a bother to her) (I think I really just needed the time alone to think, study, write, and give myself time to heal and learn to like myself more.) (I do love her companionship, but I know she has little time for me and is too uncomfortable around me to spend much time with me.)
(10pm) I went out to Erica and Henry's and helped her some more with learning their computer software, and had a nice visit. Miranda, Gwynn, and Charlotte showed up, and I visited with them. (Miranda gave me some blank tapes to record some new music for her. (That is about the only way I get to share my home with people.)) (Gwynn's eyes still fascinate me. (I hear that she broke up with her beau. (I wonder if I should try asking her out?))) (Nice evening.)