(9am) I am not sure that it would have made any difference if I hadn't told all those women about being "in love with someone else". (I have got lots of other defenses; I don't possess skills of seduction, ….) (I just haven't been ready to deal with sexual relationships!) (What I was conscious of then was loving Erica and feeling that I might screw up my chances with her by having other lovers; but, looking back, I always knew (down deep) Erica was only going to be a friend, and it was all just a way to avoid dealing with sexuality, intimacy, and commitment.) (I have no real regrets that Erica and I won't be more. (She is a wonderful friend, and has contributed much to my life. (That is really neat!)))
One thing I have to work towards is becoming as comfortable with others and my feelings, in social settings, as I am in my letters to my pen pals and in my poetry. (I got there with my close friends in the past few years, but it took a long time for me to get there.) (Being a turtle and slow to trust, just doesn't leave much room for people to come into my life. (Few people ever get a chance to see me.))
Dell's comment about pussy being the "breakfast of champions", seems to fit into the concept that women are prizes which go to the conquerors. (Maybe that is what it is?) (I can’t seem to get comfortable with defining women as some thing to by conquered (The door prizes of the sexual jamboree.), but maybe that is why I am undesirable?) (Why can't men and women come together because they want to be together, instead of as a reward for pulling the right strings and wearing the right masks? (I suppose that is another of my unrealistic expectations, and I will have to change my attitude. (Those are the fellows who seem to be getting laid, so that must be reality.)))
I keep trying to get Hunter to write down all his lines and techniques for seducing women, and send them to me; but, so far, he hasn't gotten around to it. (He is good at finding women, but I never got to see him in action. (He was always either with Carrie or too upset about breaking up to chase.)) (Even if he did find the time and send me some new ideas, would I have the courage to go out and put them to use?)
How does one get rid of the label of being a "nice guy"? (From what I have seen, women don't usually have much interest in "nice guys", sexually, until they start looking for a husband. (I am not looking for a wife now, so being a "nice guy" just brings me celibacy.))
I am still mostly pessimistic that my intro ad is going to turn up any women who I would enjoy partying with, but it would sure be nice.
(11am) So far, the only responses I have gotten from my business ad have been from people trying to sell me something. (I was pretty optimistic about my idea of starting my own business back in January, but it's wearing a bit thin now. (I am a good technician and enjoy working, but I am not a salesman.))
(Noon) Erica has suggested I go to Flippers now and then, but I just don't see the point. (When I tried it before the male:female ratio was one of the worst in town, I am not a gambler (it's a mini-casino), and the only reason I went was to spend time with Erica. (Which turned out to be a bother to her.)) (There are already so many men there who are really good at seduction, and so few women; I wouldn't stand a chance of ever finding women friends there! (I am an amateur, and don't have any business trying to compete with the pros. (It would just deplete what little self-confidence I do have!))) (And, going there just brings up a lot of conflicts inside of me. (e.g., quilt over chasing Erica, feeling foolish for being in love with her, ….))