This past year I have sure heard about a lot of nurses who have turned up pg, when they didn't want to be. (I would think that they would be the best educated women when it comes to birth control, and the least likely women to be confronted by an unplanned pregnancy; but maybe their education is detrimental to birth control? (I read a piece awhile back in the paper, where someone from Planned Parenthood commented that we would likely end the 20th century with no more safe options for birth control than when it began.)) (Maybe between their studies and experiences in treating people, they have become leery of a lot of the birth control options available?) (I know Carrie worries about being on the pill, but she is tired of abortions and miscarriages and feels it's worth the risks, for now.)
There have been some little changes in my behavior that I hope are positive signs. (About the time my mother died, I stopped writing using cursive characters and started printing letters; but I have switched back to cursive writing in the last few months.) (I have always been hung up on taking one pill at a time; but I have started doing my vitamins by the handful lately.) (Maybe they are small indicators that I am loosening up and relaxing a bit? (I hope so!))
If I find a girlfriend, I hope she is as neat as Erica and Carrie! (I have been very lucky in knowing them!) (Living with either of them wouldn’t have been easy; but they would have pushed me to be a better man, and that is what I am looking for.) (They have helped me to be a better man, by just being my friends, so I have no regrets!) (The other side of that is that I need to make contributions to her life, and help push her to be all she can be too. (I have tried to give from my strengths to Erica and Carrie, and I hope I have made some little contribution to their lives! (I think I probably took more from each than I gave, but hopefully I helped them at least a little!)))
Tis nice being able to be honest in my letters to Erica, and I think it's helping me in my growth.
Although I think it will help to not tell women I am undesirable, I suppose a big part of it is still my body language. (Whatever it is women either see or don't see in my eyes, is probably still there; but maybe, in time, if I continue working on the verbal aspects, keep smiling, try to be up, work on keeping the rest of my body language open, …, that will come around too?)
(10pm) Sometimes during soak and sweat time at the Club, I have to close my eyes. (Tis still frustrating to be around women, and not be able to deal with sexuality.)
(11pm) I did some more work on all the poems I have started. (Neat!) (I still don't know where some of my poems come from, or how that works. (The first stanza just appears in my mind, I write it down, and then the second appears, and ….) (Weird.))
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(Midnite) Quiet evening. (Nice!)
Maybe I should kick myself for all the women I pushed away in the last few years; but I can't complain, and I have no regrets. (A lot of good came from that time, and I am a better man for it all.)