I think, for now, I have to be conscious of not letting myself be labeled as a "one woman man". (I think that was a lot of why there were no lovers the past few years, and was one of my defense mechanisms.) (I think a lot of that tied into my "in love with someone else" defense mechanism. (I am not using that anymore; so maybe I won't have to worry about it?)) (If I keep telling women I am looking for several lovers now, and let them know there are others (even if I have to invent them), maybe that will get the message across? (Maybe that would turn a lot of women off? (Carrie always said it was rude and boastful to talk to a woman about other women.))) (So confusing.)
I still feel paranoia about hooking up with the wrong women. (Maybe my women friends and their love spoiled me; but I am just not into women who aren't fun to party with.) (Women whose personalities change a lot when they party, who need to be babysat a lot of the time when they party, who hate men, …; are a real drag to be with. (My women friends always tell me to f off when I am a drag, and I think I have the right to spend time with women who are mostly fun to be with. (I get on the rag sometimes too, but I try to stay away from others when I am. (The time I spend with others should mostly be up time, my depressions are my problem, and I have no right to spoil the fun of others!))-(There were times when they were down, but they always made a point of trying not to be.)-(And, sometimes they need babysitting, but it was about as often as they had to baby-sit me; and it worked out about even.))) (Oh well, I just have to become observant enough to spot those women, and to stay away from them. (Look for women who are fun most of the time, and try to become friends with them!))
(4pm) I wonder if time in Wallace will help me become comfortable enough with sexuality to step up to one nite stands? (My pen pals seem to be growing impatient with me for not progressing faster with my problems with sexuality; but I am still confused and blocked.) (I am still torn about Wallace though. (If it will help me to take sexuality less seriously, and to become open again to that part of living, it's worth the time and money; but maybe I should be investing the time and money in bars, meeting people, building friendships, and waiting for lovers to come around? (But, I am not meeting people, finding friends, and there are still no lovers, when I do go to the bars; so maybe the time in Wallace is what is needed for now?))) (One nite stands could teach me more and might be better loving than Wallace; but, if I am not good enough for them yet, I have to do what I can to start bringing a little loving back to my life!)
I still think that women will let me know when I reach the point where I am desirable to them. (Everyone tells me it "just happens", and I think when I am ready it will "just happen".)
Erica keeps telling me that "someday" she will tell me about all the stuff that is going on in her life. (I wonder when this "someday" is going to be? (By now it would take a couple "somedays".)) (If she needs someone to talk to, I am always available to her (She has always listened to my bull shit.), but I would just as soon spend the time shooting pool with her and looking for a little fun time.) (I have been there for a lot of friends, and shared a lot of troubles; but Erica and I just aren't comfortable enough together for me to be that kind of friend for her.)