Erica suggested that I need to tell myself I am desirable; but it's hard to do that when all the women in my life have told me that I am not. (Most of the women I know would write me off as an egotistical asshole if I came up and started telling them how desirable I am.) (I have to figure out which of my behaviors make me undesirable and change them. (When I change enough so that I am desirable and open to lovers, I think women will let me know.)) (I think that part of being open to lovers is to stop telling women I am undesirable. (That is just a defense mechanism and pushes women away.))
I know I also need to build friendships with other men, but I think what I am working on (e.g., becoming someone fun to be around.) will help in that area too. (Friendships with men seem to happen pretty naturally, once I get out on the street, and I am not really worried about that.) (Women, on the other hand, make me nervous still, and it takes me a long time to become comfortable with being around them. (Which in turn blocks the natural processes that would bring me women friends and lovers.) (My women friends have helped me to become more comfortable with women, and they have helped me to learn that time spent with women can be really beautiful. (I have a ways to go yet, and I think this part of the journey needs to walked alone.)))
Sometimes I get tired of scratching my own itch and wish there was some way to just shut the urge off until I am ready to deal with that part of life again.
I still fret sometimes that I wouldn't be a good lover, if someone did make the first move. (Or, that I would run away.) (That is one advantage of my women friends. (I get to spend time with women and enjoy their companionship, without having to deal with intimacy.)) (I have said I don't chase much because I fear rejection; but, if that were really true, why do I chase women who I know aren't interested? (Isn't what I really fear the possibility that someone might say yes?)) (I suppose letting that woman at Corky's pick me up last month is a positive sign. (I think it's just as well she only wanted the bottle of whisky and wouldn't play with me, but it's a sign that I am getting a bit more comfortable with the thought of returning to sexuality.)) (So confusing!)
I think it would help, when I return to the bars, to have cocaine to share; but there is no way I can afford it. (A lot of women there seem to prefer men who have it, and spend more time with those fellows. (Tis part of the game, and it's hard to be accepted without. (I got by without, in my last stretch of time in the bars; but it was a part of why I didn't get invited to many after hours parties.))) (Oh well, maybe the changes I am trying to make in my attitudes and behavior will be enough, and I won't have to worry about that?)
There is a lot of reassurance in loving and being loved by so many women. (We may not have been lovers; but I do love them all, and I know they love me.) (It gives me confidence that there are more women out there who I will love and be loved by; and, I think, with changes, that a few of them will want to be lovers too. (Maybe I have chased the wrong women to find a lover, but I have been very lucky at finding love!) (If my women friends in the future are even half as neat, continuing on without lovers would be bearable!)) (Carrie has given me shit about how I seem to be attracted to the same types of women. (I think I need to change myself so that some of them become lovers; but I am not sure I am chasing the wrong type of women. (I like women who are independent, intelligent, attractive, fun, enjoy sexuality, and who are extroverts; and I think that is what I need to look for in companions and friends. (And, I think that is the kind of woman I would like for a girlfriend.))))-(It all comes back to the puzzle of whether I chased the wrong women, or chased the right women and just wasn't ready for lovers. (?))