Carrie suggested I read some of Bukowski's writing. The only thing by him I could find at the public library was "Love is a dog from hell". (I read it. (He is good.)) (He is getting laid more in that book that I am now, but not having much luck with his girlfriends. (Sometimes when I read about all the grief that can go along with having a girlfriend, I wonder if having no luck with lovers isn't better. (At least my life isn't a soap opera.)))
Quote:
Charles Bukowski, "Love is a dog from hell"-
"she knew what she wanted and it wasn't
me.
I know more women like that than any
other kind."
(3pm) Nice workout.
I finally got around to calling that dating service Erica suggested, and I got a recorded message. (It said, "You have just taken the first step to finding that special someone." (I am not looking for a wife now. (First I need to build friendships and work back up to sexuality again.))) (I would worry, if I jumped into a relationship now, that it was out of desperation. (Maybe it's unrealistic to hope to work through the problems with intimacy first, and I need to work on commitment first? (I have sure run into a lot of women lately who say they are looking for a husband, and aren't interested in someone who is just out for a little fun.)))
(11pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
3-24-87
(9am) My paper was here this morning and I am back to my normal ritual. (Nice.)
(10am) I suppose not being assertive is another defense mechanism. (The women here just don't seem to make first moves very often. (There are so many guys per woman, in the bars, there is always someone chasing them.)) (Oh well, first I have to overcome the self-doubt and self hate, and I still think that is best done alone.)
The more I think about it, the more I think I need to stick with the bar scene to meet women:
1. The women I meet there are more likely to be into partying, pot, and shrooms.
2. The women I have met who have given up the bar scene seem to have shifted to looking for a husband, and I am not ready to be one yet. (I have been divorced for almost five years now, but I haven't even begun to be single.)
I mentioned Carrie's comment about all the good looking women in Santa Barbara to Erica, and she said I should move there. (No need. (I am constantly falling in lust and I am happy with the women here.)) (It might be nice to live somewhere that guys don't outnumber the women by so much in the bars, but other guys here seem to do all right. (Until I find a way to become a man who women find desirable, and I become comfortable with my own sexuality, it probably wouldn't matter what the odds were.))
(5pm) I had lunch with Erica today. (That was nice!) (It sounds like her life is quite the soap opera now.)