One advantage of the "in love with someone else" defense was that it was a way of hiding my incompetence at seduction. (Instead of trying and letting everyone see how clumsy I am at romancing women, I took myself out of the game.) (Maybe that is part of why I found so many women friends? (I defined myself as a man who was just a friend, so they could be with me without having to worry about being hustled.)) (Until I can leave some of my defenses at home on the shelf, there isn't going to be room for others in my life.)
One other nice thing about the x-tops is that I usually have energy left over after the bars close, and I am investing it in writing. (Neat.)
(4pm) Nice workout. (I ran into the woman whose eyes fascinate me in the steam room again today. (We had a nice chat. (I was still too chicken to ask her out.)))
(5pm) Erica stopped by for a visit. (Neat.)
I sometimes think it would be nice to find a lover again who enjoys sex as much and is as skilled at it as my ex; but I think that is pretty unrealistic. (Although it was fun getting laid that often, it was probably too extreme.)
Sometimes, when I think about the long process ahead of me, the time that will have to be invested, and the risks that it involves; I wonder if it's even worth it to go out and try to find a way to return loving to my life. (A girlfriend could be really nice, but I have a lot to go through before I get there.)
(10pm) I ate four x-tops and snorted the rest of the cocaine I had left over from last Friday nite. (Nice buzz.) (I have been on a bit of a runner the past couple weeks, but I think I needed it.)
I bought a new lighter that says "Available". (Maybe that will help dispel the perception a lot of women seem to have of me being married?)
3-21-87
(3am) I made it home alone again. (Surprise, surprise, surprise.)
I like the band at Hubcaps, but it was dead.
I liked the band at The Down Under too, but it was a pretty young crowd.
I stopped in Corky's and bought Dell a drink. (He said he has someone warm and cuddly waiting on him. (Good for him.) (He said he is going to eat the "breakfast of champions" tonite. (Pussy.) (That sounds much better than the eggs at 4-B's I ended up with. (Oh well, the only thing I am a champion at is marathon celibacy, and there is no pussy in that.)))) (He said he likes my intro ad idea. (I am curious to see what happens with it.))
Touching myself feels good tonite!
The cops were thick again downtown.
I wonder if I will ever get psyched up for spending enough time in bars to start meeting some people?