3-19-87
(10am) If it has seemed like it at all, I haven't meant to complain about my women friends. (They are all wonderful friends and really neat people, and I am lucky to know them!) (I do need to learn to figure out what no means, and not spend a lot of time chasing women who aren't interested.)
I still think a lot of my problem with women is trying too hard. (I get confused when I start trying to figure it out, and I think that creates tension that screws up the chances of it ever happening.) (Keep trying to forget about it.) (I know I am not as obsessive about finding a girlfriend as I once was. (And, I know I will still be happy, even if I never find another girlfriend.))
One argument for staying here is that I have run away from enough things in my life, and maybe I need to stop that pattern. (I have got a lot of guilt and foolish feelings that I feel here, but maybe I should stay and overcome them, rather than running off to somewhere else?)
Carrie commented about her new beau being super jealous and having trouble coping with that. (I can relate. (I know I can't deal with jealousy at all.)) (After all the jealous rages I endured with my ex, when I see even the slightest signs of it, I run! (I am probably too defensive about that and I suppose it's something I will have to overcome before I find a girlfriend. (Looking for someone who is totally devoid of jealousy is probably unrealistic.)))
(8pm) It has been snowing a lot of the day. (I should probably be depressed, but I am really enjoying watching it come down. (It has been a dry year, and we can use all the moisture we can get.))
(11pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
I wonder if I will get any hostile responses from my intro ad? (Oh well, I would learn from that too. (I have obviously got a lot left to figure out, and I can use all the input I can get. (Sometimes it's painful, but learning is mostly fun.)))
3-20-87
(11am) Thinking back to my bar days, if the few women who did chase me are any indication of my reality for loving, I think I will stick to living alone. (Now is a hell of a lot nicer than trying to live with someone I don't get along with!)
The more I think about it the more I think I am right in forgetting about sexuality. (When I went out and tried to figure it out, I got confused, frustrated, and depressed. Now when I go out I don't even think about it (much) and I usually enjoy myself. (I go home alone either way, but this way I have more fun.))
When I first started working out on Nautilus, I was doing it primarily in hopes of improving my self confidence and looks, to help improve the odds of finding lovers; but I don't think about that anymore. (I do it because it feels good.) (I seem to be advancing again. (While I was on the road, I kind of slacked off and just tried to maintain my old level. Now I am back into the groove and I am pushing my body again.))