(4pm) In her last letter Erica was upset about me structuring my life so as to avoid her unless she calls or stops by. (She has told me I make her uncomfortable. (I was pissing her off every time I saw her. (She has said that when I was around she feels an obligation to spend time with me rather than doing what she wants.)-(And her friends have told me I get in the way of her fun.))-(I don't want to be a bother to her or get in the way of her fun!)) (I want to be a good friend for her, and that is the only way I know how now.)
I suppose part of why I am uncomfortable around Erica is quilt, a sense of being a fool, and being worried that others will find out about my loving her. (Being so sensitive really gets in the way of living. (I sometimes end up being so afraid of what others think of me, I end up hiding away.))
(6pm) Nice walk.
3-18-87
(1am) I went down to Charlie B's tonite. (I fell in lust a bunch of times.) (I enjoyed the music they play on the tape deck there, and I saw a lot of faces I hadn't seen since the Top Hat closed.) (I made it home alone again, but that is ok. (I am used to it and I am happy. (Tis nice learning to become my own best friend.)))
If what I have done in the past is to chase women who wouldn't be interested, that seems like justification to wait for women to chase me. (If I am going to chase fantasy women, I need to let women define reality for me. (Build friendships, see which women chase me, and then spend time with the one’s whose eyes and conversation interest me.)) (If what I have done is to chase women who were interested, but behaved in ways to turn them off and push them away; then I should discover, as I grow and learn to be more open, that some of the women I find desirable will also want to play with me.)
I hope that ad will find me some drinking buddies. (It would be nice to have some women to spend time with.) (I think I am still a long ways from lovers, and I have to be patient. (It takes time to build friendships, and I am guessing that it takes quite awhile after the friendship is established before it grows into more.))
Carrie's suggestion for what to say in my ad gave an age range of 28-40. I wonder if that was a subtle hint that she is too young for me? (If I were going to chose a range, I would say 25-40; but I left that out of my ad, because I figure I am already excluding a lot of women with the wording I used.) (The women I did in Wallace last week were 23, 28, and 34. (The 34-year-old was in the best shape and was, by far, the best lover. (I like older women. (Carrie could never understand what I saw in them, but I think they are great!))))
One problem with Wallace is that it's still a continuation of sex with my ex, in a lot of ways. (i.e., they aren't interested in anything but getting me off and out the door, so they don't provide input about what things they like and I end up doing basically the same things in the same ways that my ex liked.) (To change what I do and how I do it will require getting input from the woman about what she likes and how she likes it. (And, that isn’t to say that I talk a lot in bed. (Women communicate a lot about that nonverbally, and by paying attention to the subtle (And, sometimes not so subtle.) cues they send during love making, it's possible to discover a lot about their likes and dislikes, sexually.)))