(6pm) Maybe the answer is to establish two sets of behaviors and attitudes? (Keep the one’s I have now for interacting with my women friends, and add a new set for interacting with women I want to f.) (Carrie told me once that I had enough women friends, and I need to be looking for f's now.) (Hunter said the trick to lovers is to go after the f, and find out later if you like them.) (So far, my experience has been that lovers can't be found by starting with friends; but maybe I unconsciously chose women who wouldn't be more, to protect myself. (Or, did I pick women who could have been lovers, and then turned them off with my behavior?))-(My experience with following lust wasn't the answer either.) (I suppose it has to be a balance. (Thinking a little with both heads, in looking for women who are friends and lovers.))
3-14-87
(2am) In Erica's latest letter she comments on how a more serious relationship between us wouldn't be easy. (True, but then I don't think easy is what I am looking for. (One of the biggest advantages I see in living with a woman is to have someone around who will push me to change, try new things, and keep growing. (And, vice versa.) (Oh well, Erica provides all those things to me in our current relationship, so I am content.))) (Carrie, Hunter, …, tried to discourage me from moving to Missoula, but I am glad I did! (My feelings for Erica were strong enough to make checking them out further worth the risk, I have grown much since I have moved here, I have placed my feelings for Erica in a better framework, ….)) (Actually, a relationship beyond friendship, with any of my women friends wouldn't have been easy. (But, a relationship with any of them would have pushed me to grow.))
Erica called earlier and I went out to her and Henry's to give her some help with some computer projects she is working on. (She makes extra money by doing word processing work at home, and I have been helping her to learn computers and Word Perfect.)
Then she showed me how to do the cocaine I had picked up, we bs'd and had a really nice time.
I took myself down to Hubcaps tonite and watched John Sebastian play. (Twas a nice trip down memory lane.) (Erica popped in for a minute, and listened with me. (That was nice of her.))
The concert ended around midnite, so I went over to Corky's until closing time and bs'd with Dell a bit.
I don't know if I can quit building friendships with women. (It hasn't found me any lovers, but it has brought me much that has been wonderful!) (Maybe the answer is to build friendships, so I have companions; and go to Wallace for loving?)
I wonder if part of why I have written less poetry is that I have given up on Erica and me being more than friends? (She inspired a lot of them.)
I still don't feel that a lover who required I give up my women friends would be worth it. (Someone that insecure wouldn't be contributing much to my growth, and I would lose all that my women friends contribute to my life.)
I got a nice rush off the cocaine (Nice experience.) (Touching myself feels real good!) (I think I prefer shrooms though.) (I can see the attraction of cocaine but I don't think I want to take that trip.)