(8pm) People I meet in the work context have told me that they can't understand why I feel I have a problem interacting and being social. (I am doing well at it there.) (I wonder if I will ever relax enough so that it happens in social contexts?)
I think platonic relationships were what I needed the last few years. (e.g., I needed to learn to cherish the companionship of women, rather than dread it.) (But, it's also allowed me to avoid dealing with my sexual problems. (Spending all my time with women who keep saying there is no potential for sex has insured that I don't have to deal with that problem. (My gut feeling is that I wasn't ready to deal with it, and needed to work through a lot of other things first; but maybe I am deceiving myself again?)))
(11pm) Quiet nite.
I am still contemplating getting a cat, but I think I had better wait until I have a steady income. (Right now it's reassuring that all I have to take care of is my plants and myself.)
The business ad I put in the paper hasn't brought me a single phone call yet. (I sure haven't had much luck with newspaper ads over the years. (I suppose that is why I haven't been in any big hurry to place an intro ad.))
3-13-87
(2pm) I took my bike in and got it tuned up. (Spring is approaching.)
Maybe part of why I am getting good at interacting in the work place is that I have defined it as an environment where I will not allow sexuality to become intertwined? (I spend a lot of time with women there; but I am not willing to risk lawsuits and all those relationships are by definition platonic.)
Sometimes I wonder whether I don't know what I am supposed to say and do to be desirable to women, because I have just never learned, or because I am blocking that knowledge from consciousness. (I think, looking back, that a lot of my behavior was based on taking what books suggested doing, and doing the opposite. (For all my crying in my beer, I was doing it to myself.)) (Oh well, what is relevant is that I don't have access to those skills, and have to find some way to learn (or relearn) them.) (So far, my only lovers have been women who made the first move and the ladies of the nite; and it has led to an impoverished sex life. (Maybe someday I will figure it out?)) (I suppose needing to learn those skills is a reason to switch back to finding male drinking buddies. (Watch them and see if I can learn something about how it's done. (But, first, I have to change my attitudes so I can use what they teach me. (The men I have met so far, who are really good at that, hold the attitude that women are pieces of meat, objects, …, who are put here for them to conquer and use. (I would have to find a way to stop looking at women as fellow human beings, to use those techniques to become a f'er.))))) (I also have to find some way to stop being so sensitive about hurting and being hurt; and learn to let the chips fall where they may. (There are going to be women who hurt me, and women who I will hurt; but that is the price of the game. (Maybe that is a cheaper price than the one I pay for not playing?)))