Maybe I should eat some speed and go to Wallace? (One thing about speed is that it increases my sex drive. (Maybe it would be enough to break through my block and make it to Wallace?))
(2pm) I wonder if part of why women aren't comfortable with me, in a sexual context, is that I don't behave in the way that I am supposed to? (i.e., I never behave in the ways women are used to men behaving when they are trying to elicit a sexual response in women, and I think it blocks the response.) (That would fit in with all the times that women in bars have told me to go home to my wife.)-(And, Billie's comments about me not finding lovers until I stop acting like a friend.) (Oh well, it's me, and when I try to figure out how else to behave and try to act it out, I just get confused and piss women off.)
Telling people that you are "in love" with someone else sure seems to be a good defense mechanism. (And, if that someone else isn't interested, intimacy disappears from life.) (At least it has seemed to work well for me, in the past.) (I don't think it would be wise to continue to use Erica in that model; but maybe if I started using Carrie in it, I would have a sufficient defense shield to allow me to start going out again?) (Oh well, I still think the answer is to stay alone until I have reached a level of self confidence where I don't need that defense mechanism to cope with others.)
(3pm) I suppose another big part of why women aren't comfortable around me in a sexual context is that I am not comfortable with women in that context. (There have been so few lovers in my life, it has been so long, …; and my attitudes and behavior just aren't congruent with those of a sexual man.)
Right now I am printing off four copies of the latest addition to "Outlaws and poets". (Such fun.)
(6pm) Nice walk.
(7pm) Well, I ate five x-tops and I am going to cruise over to Wallace and play the slut for awhile.
3-11-87
(4am) That was a wonderful road trip. (First, I went to the Luxette and spend a half-hour with Marie. Then to the Lucky Horseshoe for a couple drinks. Then to the Oasis to spend a half an hour with Claudia. Then to the Metal Bar for a couple more drinks. And finally, to U & I to spend an hour with Celete. (A brunette, a blond, and red head, all in one nite. (Yum, yum, yum!))) (Thank goodness for Wallace. (They all told me to come back more often. (Tis nice knowing I am wanted somewhere.)))
Oh yes, somewhere between five months old and sixteen months, rubbers go bad. (I will have to buy another box.) (They charged me a buck a piece for them in Wallace.)
I sure smell good.
That was sure a lot of fun!
(3pm) I picked up a new box of rubbers today. (I will probably end up throwing this bunch away too, but who knows?)