(Noon) No jobs in the paper again. (In ten weeks there have been only two.)
I have spent 9 1/2 years or so of my adult life single and going to bars; and so far my ex is the only lover I have found there. (And, that was only because it was her job to hustle men.) (I am obviously doing things totally wrong; and until I figure it out and change, what is the point to going out?) (Until I know the kind of job I will have to work next, I don't know what behaviors to choose. (e.g., there are major differences between the acceptable behaviors for a CPA and a poet!)) (Oh well, I don't have a craving to go back to the bars now and begin the long process of starting over again.)
Now the thing that gets me the most about not going out and being social is that I have gained much from my studies and experiences that might be of some value to others, and I feel a little guilty about not sharing it. (Then again, if there is any hope that I will ever get published, I am touching far more people by spending my time alone studying and writing.) (Oh well, regardless of whether I ever publish, I love writing, and I don't know that I could stop. (I get real nervous if I get too far from a pen and paper. (I have even been trying to figure out a way to make notes during soak and sweat time at the Club.)))
One major problem with the idea of publishing is that a lot of people aren't going to like what I have to say.
(5pm) Nice walk. (I am doing about 50 miles a week, and that feels about right for now. (That is about what I was doing in Bozeman the last couple years there.)) (I got up to 80 or so earlier this fall, but that was too much.)
I think I prefer the term "nurturing instinct" to "maternal" or "paternal" instinct. (I think it's common for people to fulfill that need in themselves, at least in part, through their work. (Nurses, doctors, shrinks, …, are obvious one’s; but I know people in business who treat their businesses like a kid, and bookkeepers who treat their companies books like their kids. (And writers who ….)) (Don't a lot of people also fulfill that need through hobbies too?))
On learning to be alone: Three years ago I would have laughed if anyone said I would be sitting home alone on a Saturday nite with no cigs or booze, enjoying myself and mostly content. (I think it's good that I am learning that.) (And, now is a good time to learn it:
1. It fits my budget.
2. It fits quitting cigs.
3. It fits getting into shape.
4. I have done it without ignoring anyone. (Carrie was leaving Bozeman, and I may well "talk" to her more now than then.)-(I write to Erica as much now as then.)-(Most everyone I knew in Bozeman had left, gone straight, or coupled.)-(Leo had told Samantha she couldn't see me anymore, just before I moved. (In fact, I may have ended up spending more time with her on my trips back to work for the County, than if I had continued to live there.)) (In short, no one was dependent upon me for companionship; and now I am learning to be my own companion. (I think I will be a better person for the experience, and when it's time to become social again I think I will be a better companion to the new people in my life!)))