I hope I can get past cigs. (I am okay alone; but I need to be able to go to bars and parties, and spend time with people who do smoke, without being bothered by it and craving them the whole time.) (According to today's paper, right about 25% of the people in Montana smoke cigs. (On the streets I would say it's well over 50%.)) (Oh well, give my body a couple more months to adapt, and see if I am still having trouble in those situations. (If so, I will start again. (If the choice is to quit cigs or be with people, I will choose people.)))
I think part of why Erica is a great bartender is that she has a strong maternal instinct, and that is a way of expressing that aspect of herself.
I wonder if anyone has tried opening a bar where cigs aren't allowed? (A lot of people have told me that they either quit bars altogether or cut way back on going, because of cig smoking. (Maybe they would start going again if there were bars they could go to and not be bothered by smoke? (They would have trouble enforcing the rule though.))) (A lot of people who quit cigs do so as part of a wider health program, and they might not go to bars, even if there was no smoke.) (?)
(4pm) Nice workout.
(6pm) Nice walk.
Another of Erica's recent comments was that I need to be less self-conscious. (If she means in social situations, I will agree that I need to stop that somehow.) (If she means all together, I will disagree. (When one isn’t getting the experiences from life that they want, the options I see are:
1. Evaluate your goals to see if they are realistic; and, if not, change the goals so they are more realistic.
2. Continue doing the same things one is doing; and blame others, institutions, drugs, …, for not getting what you want.
3. Become aware of your behavior and how they effect the outcomes you are experiencing; and change your behavior until you begin getting what you want. (That seems to require a time of being self-conscious and aware of what you are doing and how others are reacting to it.)))
(Are my social goals of meeting lots of people, building new friendships, playing, and for a few women friends to become lovers unrealistic? (If so, I need to change them to more realistic goals; but I think they are pretty reasonable and I feel I need to work on changing my behavior until I begin achieving those goals.))
(7pm) Isn't another part of why we are here related to coming to terms with our bodies? (Finding harmony between our instincts, body chemistry, and the world, can be really complex.)
(8pm) I am still debating about whether to stay or move, and, if I move, where to.
One funny thing about the companionship puzzle is that there are lots of single women out there sitting at home alone tonite. (And I would be willing to bet that there are at least a few who would enjoy my company. (I guess when we all want companionship enough, we will all get back out on the street and start being social, instead of sitting at home alone.))
12-7-86
(2am) Quiet nite of tv.
Still no luck on selling the car.