(5pm) Erica stopped by and we went and helped Miranda move her stuff out of Jeremy's apartment and into Miranda's new one. (That was a good workout.)
She says it's time to start shaving again. (I suppose so, but it's kinda nice not having to make a self-sacrifice each morning.)
(7pm) Nice walk. (My thoughts today were about trusting. (I get horny a lot and I bitch a lot; but it seems to take forever for me to become comfortable enough with a woman to consider her as a lover. (I wonder if I will ever learn to trust more quickly?)))
Maybe the negative perception of me that I saw in some when I went to the bars broke all the time would have been less negative, if I had been fun to be with? (And, I have spent some time in bars with money, and it hasn't made much difference.)
Another thing I seem to lack is passion. (I don't seem to get excited about anything anymore.) (Maybe women don't see any fire in my eyes, and pass me by?)
(10pm) I took myself to "Jumping Jack Flash". (Good flick.)
I have been thinking about how I tend to react when I don't know what is bothering me. (Or know what is lacking in my life) (I seem to project that feeling or whatever onto someone else; and then I figure out that I am the one with those feelings, not them.)
On confidence: I feel confident in my abilities at work and as a lover, but that confidence is built upon a lot of study and practice. (I think I will have to acquire skills and practice, before I will have any confidence in my ability to succeed at seduction.) (But there are other things to overcome before I can start learning that. (Learning to trust, learning to like myself, learning other defenses besides withdrawal, learning how to play and be fun, ....))
10-13-86
(2am) Quiet nite of reading.
I am doing lousy at quitting cigs.
(11am) Looks like another beautiful day.
I broke down and shaved.
On passion: After thinking about it more, I think I have lots of passion. I just don't express it. (One problem with becoming friends with women I find desirable is that I am too afraid of losing their friendship to grab their ass. (Maybe it's wrong to not make first moves, sexually, if one just wants a fuck; but I am looking for friends and lovers and I don’t want to lose friends, so I don't see any other way.)