On the way to sleep last nite I thought again about Carrie's comment about "impotent" being the wrong word to use to describe my sexual problem. (I think I like my definition of "impotent" better. (The crux of the situation isn't whether a guy can get it up, but whether he can be intimate with and give pleasure to a woman. (I know I don't need a prick to please a woman, and that it's just one tool available in pleasing a woman.) (As my ex taught me, the whole body is a sex organ, and there are a lot of ways to please a woman.) (Isn't it selfish of guys who can't get it up to ignore their lover and not go ahead and please her?) (And, it's probably selfish of me to possess the skills I do and not use them.)))
(1pm) Good workout.
(7pm) Nice walk.
One problem with my women friends is that I pissed off a lot of guys, who wanted to make time with them while I was in the way.
Quotes:
Norman Mailer, "Tough guys don't
dance"-"The compensation for misery, self-pity, and despair is that fed enough
drinks, the powers of imagination return with force.",
(11pm) Maybe not being a quick thinker when I am visiting with people would be solved if I lied about everything? (Instead of figuring out what I think about something, just say anything.) (Lying would be an alternative defense to replace withdrawal.)
I have been reading a book on job hunting most of today. (Tis a nice fantasy to be able to figure out what job you want and then go look for it, but the way the economy is here, any job is the goal.)
10-14-86
(1am) Busy morning of letter writing.
I had lots of fun during my years of daily bar going, but:
1. There were lots of dead times too. (I have memorized the walls of a lot of bars.)
2. None of the women I found desirable would play with me. (Except for my ex.)
3. It took a toll on my health.
4. I couldn't do that and work.
(I enjoy bars, but that was too much. (I will have to figure out a way to spend less time there, and which bars and times to go, so I can meet women my own age.) (First I have to figure out how to change my behavior.))
(1pm) I went swimming today. (That made me realize how out of shape I am.)
(6pm) Erica stopped by and said hi. (Neat.)
And I just took a nice long walk.
I got a card from Carrie today. (Neat!) (It had to do with memories. (I sure have a lot of wonderful one’s of Carrie! (I hope that someday we get to make some more!)))