Is it wrong to want to come to the goal of lovers out of mutual agreement, rather than as an end result of a game of conquest and surrender? (I read an article today about a study that confirms what I read in the book "Sexual chemistry" about how all relationships are initiated by the female through body language. (i.e., women send signals to tell the guys they want to talk to, to come hither.)) (It seems like a silly game to me. (Women decide who they will consider "surrendering" to and instigate the interaction, yet the game is played out to give men the illusion that they are "conquering" the women and it was all their doing.) (Before I could play that game I would have to learn to recognize and interpret the body language of women, learn how I am supposed to play "conqueror", gain confidence that the signals I am seeing are sent to me (Sometimes I have noticed women looking at me, but I always look behind me to see who they are really looking at.), and overcome my fear of intimacy.) (And, since I don't know how to play the game and haven't experienced it, maybe I am not qualified to have an opinion on it.) (I think about learning how, every time I fall in lust at the bar, and then my mind starts ticking off all the potential penalty cards one can draw when playing it:
1. Catching something the doctors can cure.
2. Catching something the doctors can't cure.
3. Getting beat up or killed by a jealous beau or husband.
4. Getting robbed after I fall asleep.
5. Having to deal with someone who takes sex too seriously, and decides she wants more than one nite.
6. Run into another man hater, who will take it out on me.
7. It doesn't effect me, but there is also the potential of pregnancy.
8. …)
(11pm) Quiet nite of tv and music.
9-11-86
(11pm) Erica stopped by and watched some tv with me, and we had a nice visit. (I do love her company!)
9-12-86
(6pm) I am ready for the new tv season. (I am sick of reruns.)
Although I am still not talking much when I go out and about, I have talked more in the past six months than in ages. (In the last six months I have trained twelve people. (Although I feel a bit guilty about it sometimes, I feel, to teach effectively, I need to get to know them as people and for them to know me as a person. (So we end up bs'ing a lot as we go along. (It builds the rapport that facilitates teaching.))) (Tis kind of amusing, but the biggest part of teaching, that I have found, is simply helping them to find the confidence in themselves that they can do it. (Tis amazing. (Up to the point where they break through and become confident, teaching is tough; but once they get it, it's a breeze. (That has given me reason to hope that if I can break through and find some confidence, relationships will start to come easy to me.))))) (Now I have got to take it a step further and find some way to talk more in social settings.)
9-13-86
(2am) Another Friday nite.
I went to the Top Hat. (Good tunes and multiple lust again.)