Could Carrie’s perception that the first time with a lover is best be
related to Tom Robbins' comments about how many people take the
magic that is created in the beginning of a relationship for granted and just use it up,
rather than continuing to make more? (If one wants love to stick around, you have to
continually keep making new magic!)
One problem with investing money in making my home a nicer place to be is that now it's comfortable and entertaining. (It's easy to just kick back here, rather than going out on the streets.) (One reason I enjoy taping albums for my friends is that it's a way to share my home with them.)
Puzzles:
1. Do I remain a hermit until I can change into someone people will enjoy being with, or is being a hermit part of why people don't enjoy being with me? (Maybe I need to take who I am now back out on the street, fall on my face a lot, and get kicked in the ass a few more times; in order to learn what I need to?)
2. Can I continue to do things I enjoy, if, in doing so, others perceive me as not enjoying myself? (Maybe I need to join in and do the same things the people I am with are doing, so they think I am enjoying myself and invite me along again?) (Maybe I have to accept that there are times for the solitary things I enjoy; but when I am with others, be with them, join in, and be a part of what is happening?)
3. Ultimately, the only thing that is relevant in finding lovers is how women perceive me. (How do I behave in order to be both liked by women and found desirable?)
(11pm) It has cooled off. (According to the weatherman it's going to get colder soon.) (I have resumed my love affair with my electric blanket.)
9-10-86
(6pm) Perception: I decided to read up on the symbology of turtles awhile back and discovered they are linked to potency. (Since then I have noticed that I have begun to use the word "hermit" where I once used "turtle" to describe myself.)
The biggest problem I see with the thought of trying to eliminate the concept of "sexual monogamy" is that it has been so deeply conditioned into our culture that it would be a nitemare to try and undo it.