I am still lost as to how I can find confidence in my desirability, when no women want to play with me. (?) (Until/unless women start wanting to play with me, I am undesirable.) (All I can do is to keep guessing at what is wrong with me, make changes, and then see if women find that me to be desirable. (And, if not, back to guessing and changing some more.))
9-9-86
(6pm) Maybe asking Reggie out was a cop out? (She lives 200 hundred miles away.) (She said she would be coming over here in Nov or Dec, and I am likely to be too broke by then to take her out.) (Oh well, she did my ego some good.)
I read John Irving's "Cider house rules" not long
ago. (Great book!)
Notes from the ozone: I have been thinking more about the question of the homeless. (I think every community should provide some kind of barracks style setup, where anyone can find shelter and food:
1. Our society creates dependent personalities, so it has an obligation to take care of the one’s who slip too deeply into it. (And, even if it didn't, I feel we have an obligation to insure that everyone can survive, and retain at least a little dignity.)
2. There needs to be a place where people who want to pursue art, music, writing, …, can go to take care of their needs for survival. (Very few of our artists make more than tiny amounts of money for their efforts; but Art is important to the survival of civilization, and we need to provide for those people who aren't successful financially!) (And, I feel we should provide them with access to the tools of their Art.)
3. There are people who, through circumstance and misfortune, go through hard times, and they need to be provided for.
4. There are times in many people's lives when they are going through a period of transition, and could use a place to go. (e.g., during the first 18 months after my divorce, I spent a lot of time living on the streets.))
(Still, where do you draw the line?) (The idea, to me, is to establish a relationship between people and the government that based on of mutuality, rather than on dependence; and I am not sure where the border is.) (Why is it that our government seems to like creating dependent people?)
I am sure getting into the Talking Heads this week.
(7pm) Erica dropped by and visited. (Nice.)
Right now I seem to be going through a process of ripping myself into little pieces, trying to find and understand all my problems and how they interrelate, and how to put the pieces back together in a better way; and that takes playing the hermit for now.
(8pm) On trusting: Erica has commented that most people are good and I shouldn't be so suspicious. (I know most people are good, and I have never met anyone who didn't have some redeeming qualities.) (The person I don't trust is myself. (I have made so many bad choices and trusted people I shouldn’t have, so now I spend ages studying eyes and listening before I begin to trust.)-(With practice and time for more healing, I think I will learn how to shorten the process, and gain confidence in my own judgement.))
(10pm) Quiet nite of tv and music.